Hipsters at Gigs (WOW247)

Among the numerous irritants that threaten to spoil a delicately good night at a head banging/tune raving/ lighter waving night, this is one that really drives me insane. It's not that it really stops me from directly enjoying the music, it just forces me to fight back homicidal urges while I sip a £5 rum & coke.
It's hipsters. Of course it is. People who come to gigs for one song.

I'm all for wandering aimlessly into the unknown and finding a random band that you were previously unaware of. That's the beautiful thing about music, it's infinite ability to surprise and entertain at the same time.
But if you're there as a fan boy/girl, and only know half the words to an album seller you so dearly admire, at least try and hide it. Don't fight your way to the front row, so you're in touching distance of the guitarists feet just to mildly whisper some words that you "think sounds about right".

The number of times I've seen a tie dye wearing Ringo Starr look a like sitting in the corner of a room, sulking because the band hasn't played "Wonderwall" or "All The Small Things" yet is bizarre.

Paying to go see a band when you only know one song FULL STOP, is stupid enough. That's at least £5 you've paid. £5 for the right to boast to your mates about "how cool you are" because you went to see The Libertines on Saturday night. Wow.

But if you are going to do that (heaven forbid), at least have the decency to pretend you have actually listened to most of the songs they play. It's not a lot we're asking for. It really isn't. Come on hipsters. You think you're cooler than the rest of us, and for some reason you're more entitled to be there than us. But really you're just a culturally dead crank who found their way onto YouTube. No doubt on an iMac daddy bought for you.

I'm sorry, but you belong at a One Direction concert with all the other deaf 14 year old girls. Bob Dylan would be ashamed.

Superstition

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing in the world is when people are ridiculously superstitious and refuse to believe they are being superstitious. This generation needs to get this into their heads: some things are real, and some things aren't.  I don't know which crack pot, drugged up psychopath decided that breaking a mirror would give you 7 years "bad luck", but how anybody with a human brain can believe in these fucking ridiculously stupid, made up rules is beyond me. 

Can you imagine it being a question in an interview: "So, you're fantastically qualified in every field relating to this job. Almost over qualified it seems Mr.Jones. Just one last thing, just a formality don't worry, have you ever broken a mirror?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Broken a mirror man, have you ever broken a mirror, and if so, how long ago was it? COME ON MAN! I NEED NUMBERS! WHAT NEXT, YOU'RE GUNNA TELL ME YOU OWN A BLACK CAT OR REGULARLY WALK UNDER LADDERS. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WITCH!"

Fantastic. 

Simply, what it is, is that human beings have a tendency to make things up. When our minds can't explain something, we prefer to make things up and believe them in earnest as oppose to travelling blissfully through the unknown. Which is a backward way of doing things, but a necessary truth of human existence. I have literally explained there why people believe in ghosts. There is no proof of ghosts whatsoever, apart from crazy people preaching that they can "talk to the dead". 

Yeh, no you can't mate. I don't know what you're doing right now, but you ain't talking to the "spirits of the dead".

Human beings invent things, because it appears that reality is too much. Nobody wants to believe that they will in fact just die and no spirit or afterlife exists. But it is the truth, I am afraid. Stop believing in things just because other people tell you to. Ghosts and superstitions we're invented to support the works of religion and fiction. 

Little bit morbid, but I'm hungover. 

Cats

Cats

Cats are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a living thing. Fine.

Dogs are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.

If you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.

If you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate? What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”

A cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”

Fuck you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m gunna burn them at the stake. 

Miley Fucking Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

What happened to Hannah Montana? One day I’m watching the Disney channel, thinking: “Hey, Hannah Montana is looking fit.” And the next I’m watching the same girl grind up against a pole at the some awards do. What the hell? What’s next, Zack and Cody snorting cocaine at the FA Cup final? TJ from Recess pulling a prostitute out of the back of his car on You’ve Been Framed? Bart Simpson curb stomping Sabrina the teenage witch because she didn’t get the golden monkey on Jungle Run?

What the hell is Cyrus’ problem? What is she trying to prove? That she is capable of fucking everything on the planet? Including women, judging by her haircut. She’s been elevated to this ridiculous level of fame lately, and I don’t even know why. The only thing I know that she has done is a bad kids TV show. And she did some singing, apparently.     

It annoys me that she gets away with acting like a complete slapper in the name of “creating an image” or “styling her character”. Fuck you Miley Cirus, and fuck everyone involved in your dirty psycho career. I got lucky, by the time she started acting like Mary Magdalene I was old enough to understand that she was a fuck up.

But imagine kids trying to copy that. Billions of girls walking round with a Mohawk trying to write third rate tunes and get their faces on every newspaper possible. Imagine that world.

Snapchat

Snapchat

Whose fucking idea was Snapchat? Because I want to meet that guy, and punch him square in the face.

What was the pitch?

“Yes, I know we already have something for chatting to people Duncan Bannatyne. Yeh I know it’s called texting. BUT, have you ever had a text and thought: ‘Oooooo, could do with a picture of somebody’s face in the background there.’?

That’s what this “Snapchat” is for.”

I mean come on, most of the time, the reason I am texting a person is because I don’t want to meet them. So I really don’t care about seeing their face.

I guess it’s not really the app that annoys me; it’s the misuse of it. Like, people who pout at the camera and then put over it: “Getting some dinner”.

Nice. Real creative there. Because I really give a shit.

Obviously then though, you get these Snapchat legends. They are the reason I still have this app. People who draw a grey hat on their heads and a long beard with the caption: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”. People who put photos of themselves leaning out of a window, arms spread saying: “I’m king of the world!”. People who make themselves look like Hagrid and put: “You’re a wizard Harry.”

Snapchatters like that, you have my stamp of approval.