Come Dine With Me

Come Dine with Me

This is how Come Dine with Me should be:

“So our first contestant is Jordan, from Barnsley. Tell us what you’ll be cooking Jordan.”

“My guest with be eating a bruised banana for starters, my main is guuna be beans on toast, and for desert I’ve managed to get my hands on some treacle sponge.”

“That’s sounds great Jordan, but I think your guests might be expecting a more cultured menu.”

“Ahh, no worries, I’ve figured it out. Obviously I’m gunna put a cheese slice on the beans and there is some custard in the fridge for the desert.

Now that would be much more entertaining than some middle aged wierdos letting randomers look through their cupboards before serving food with names like spells in Harry Potter.

          There’s always a token gay guy, a gobby woman, an arsehole and somebody who thinks he’s Tom Cruise. The gay guy can never cook, Tom cruise thinks he can, all the arsehole wants to talk about is politics and the mouthy bitch always takes massive offence at some comment that means nothing. What is this shit? How did it ever get on TV?

          Another thing, the winner (if you can call a massive loser a winner) gets £1,000. That’s it. Not that I am saying they’ve earned more than that, but a grand? Really? I mean I wouldn’t turn my nose up at 4 free dinners and a thousand pounds, but it just seems like such a pointless show to enter. Why wouldn’t they enter deal or no deal or something?

          I’ll tell you why, because on deal or no deal they don’t get to show off. And that’s what they want, just to show off. Because for some reason they think that being able to cook a mediocre grilled sea bass makes them the Queen of England.

          And they’re all bull shitters. They could have the most amazing night ever and they will never give higher than an 8. They will only ever give a 6,7,8 or in exceptional circumstances a 9. I would love to see my mates on that show. All these twats expecting a mushroom ravioli and chocolate fondant and they’d just get them a McDonalds.

“You WILL eat your big mac, and you’ll enjoy it. Cost me £4.99 that. Cheeky shit.”