The Crowd

The Crowd

I’ve got a feeling this will be a pretty popular one. We all hate the crowd. If you don’t know what the crowd is, then you’re in the crowd and will you please get the fuck off this page. The crowd is everything wrong with society today. It’s ruining youth and tarring all adolescence with the same brush. And before I get any shit for it, the crowd is not the same as a trend. You can dress how you like. You can wear the same stuff as the Paramore band if you like (and want to look like a twat). Go for it, just don’t start acting like everyone else are a set of fucktards for wearing other things.

          One Direction are the best example I can give really. We all know they don’t deserve to be as big as they are. In my opinion, anyone that doesn’t write their own songs shouldn’t earn a penny from music. But that’s the world we live in. That’s the crowd. A few little fan boys (or girls) start going mental over the new “boy band” and it spreads like wild fire. It’s disgusting. One Direction, at the moment, are worth around about £26 million. What the fuck planet Earth? Where the fuck was I when that happened? How the hell have we let them accumulate wealth like that? Honestly, that’s not rhetorical, I want an answer. It’s like I fell asleep and Harry Styles robbed a few banks or something. Not with a gun, he just threatened to fuck their hair up as much as he has done his own. “Gimme the moolah! Unless you want to look like Edward Scissor hands when he puts his fingers in a socket.”

          In fairness, the One Direction cultists aren’t the worst section of the crowd. It’s the sport fanatics that are the worst. They’re like the front line of the crowd. The pretentious, steroid popping, gym worshipping wankers that are deluded enough to think that playing football makes them the dogs bollocks are the worst people in the world. They stare at you, in their football gear (because they never take it off. It’s like a curse. They have to constantly wear shorts and football socks. Little known fact.) and think: “Yeh, I’m probably better than you.” You can tell by the way they look at you. They stand there, judging you, as if any of us give a shit that they go to DW sports gym twice a day. Guess what pal, you’re a bell end. Just because you’ve subscribed to a “brand of person” doesn’t mean we all want to be you. In all honesty mate, I’m fucking grateful I’m not you. Because I wouldn't have proper friends, just fellow dick heads that I kick a ball around with. Wankers.

To summarise: Fuck the crowd, most of them are idiots. And fuck Justin Bieber too. He’s a dick.  

Jobsworths

Jobsworths

So, jobsworths. Essentially people who think they are better than the rest of us “plebs”, because they have been given a slither of power over a slither of the world. These police officers that arrest “drunk” people who are sat in their cars with the keys in, because “technically you could have been driving.” Those dick heads at football matches that won’t give the bottle top to a woman with four kids, because “it’s policy.” These teachers that exclude the kid that fought off a gang that was bullying his little brother, because “rules are rules.” I say to all of you, blow your policy out of your ass. You thick, common sense lacking, no good doing, “I’m gunna make myself feel better by taking it out on somebody else” pieces of shit are no good for society and have clearly been brought up wrong.

          Quick first hand example: Couple of days ago me and a friend running to catch the shuttle bus so we can catch the train at 5 passed. Great, we’re laughing. It’s a good job we’ve got this shuttle bus service otherwise we’d have to wait half an hour for another train. Oh, what’s that Mr. big hard clever Driver? You can’t let us on the shuttle bus because there is a limit of 10 people standing and 9 are already on? Oh yeh, that makes perfect sense. I presume if me and my friend got on to the bus, it would immediately implode given that the “rule had been broken”, thus leaving all aboard swirling for eternity in a shit storm of bus metal, blood and university work.

          Sense the tone of sarcasm. Any person with half a fucking brain cell can see that it would make no fucking difference if there was one more person on the bus. But these shit for brains, power mad, megalomaniacs have it sussed. It’s everyone else that’s stupid, and they know better than all us sane people. I know a guy that was fined £30 for not having a ticket on the train, on a journey that was 5 minutes long. I shit you not. 5 minutes. This fuck up of a train conductor that thinks it’s our fault that we had to rush for the train because the company you fucking work for can’t keep to a schedule, and wanted to buy a ticket on the train. Like that is “fare dodging.” The guy that’s hunched into the tiny WC is fare dodging, Sherlock Holmes, not the guy waiting patiently to buy a ticket. Fucking jobsworth. People just need to lighten up a little. Why would anyone want to be that uptight? Unless you work in bomb disposal, the tiniest of details do not matter in your life. And if all you’ve got to make you feel good is being picky like that you need to find an anal girlfriend or some shit because I’ve had enough of this. Besides, a great man once said: “Rules are more like guidelines anyway.” 

Strip Clubs

Strip Clubs

Hey… NO! No. It’s “Strip Clubs”. I am a straight man. I’m not saying I hate seeing attractive women next to naked, although either way I don’t see why you’d jump to that conclusion. Homophobes.

          I do in fact despise strip clubs, with a burning passion. I hate the women that work there, I hate the men that go in there and I hate the concept of luring penis driven drunkards into a bar to charge literally borderline illegal prices for drinks and “other services”. It’s the assumption that everyone with a penis is stupid enough to pay £20 for a half-decent looking woman to wave her arse in their face that really pisses me off. And then these “lads” out on the “lash” will go and prove them absolutely right. These places shouldn’t earn money. They shouldn’t turn profit. The drinks alone are ridiculously priced. But they do, because after a few pints one of these dances make boys feel like Brad Pitt. They feel like they’ve pulled because these girls chat them up. It’s just too easy for them.

          Do you know what I tell these strippers: Fuck you. Fuck you and your bull shit lines. Fuck you and your patronisation. Fuck you and your bleach blonde hair. How fucking stupid do you actually think I am? And you’d think at this point they’d realise I have half a brain, so they’re probably barking up the wrong tree. But noooooooo. No, they offer me “a special £70 extra dirty dance”. One, Mrs.Stripper woman, I don’t even know what the fuck that means, so you’re “clever stripper lingo” intrinsically designed to trick me into going upstairs with you is lost on me, and two, why, after I have made it so blatantly obvious that I don’t give a shit, do you persist?

          One last cheap shot, then I’ll stop. If, now this point is based on IF, prostitution is the laziest form of occupation. If prostitutes are the lowest form of person, the surely strippers are just lazy prostitutes. At least Crystal on the street corners gets the job done. I mean I’m just saying. If you can’t even be bothered to do a job properly, then why are you even on this planet? I mean, that’s just logic right there.

         

Game Shows

Saturday 16^th March 2013

Game Shows

I don’t care if you’re picking a box, being chased by a fat man or throwing a ball in a massive cube. Game shows fucking wind me up and I cannot be the only one. Tell me you don’t cringe every time you hear Noel say: “Welcome to deal or no deal.”

            My initial grievance with these pathetic excuses for entertainment, is the people that are attracted to go on these shows. The attention seeking, money grabbing, over emotional plebs that’ll do anything to get on television seriously have a screw loose. How little self-respect must these people have left to pander and go along with these game shows stories? “The banker wants to talk to you…” “OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.” NO!!!! NOT OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!! IT HAPPENS EVERY EPISODE, AND HE DOES THE EXACT SAME THING AS WHEN HE TALKS TO NOEL! HE OFFERS THEM FUCKING MOOOOOONNNNEY. Honestly, I feel like I’m the crazy one.

            This leads me to my second, but in not dissimilar, point of annoyance. The hosts of these shows are the worst they have ever been now. No, this is serious now. Stop ITV. Stop BBC. Stop Channel 4. We get your point, you have access to a load of D list celebrities that will run your game shows. Stop now. These episodes of Deal or No Deal where you get Noel Edmunds to dress up are just too far. They literally make me want to throw up on the TV. And don’t even get me started on the “craaaaazy banter” he has with the contestants. You know how they’re supposed to play heavy rock music to get soldiers geared up for battle? Well, I got a better idea. Just invent a drug that makes them think everybody is Noel Edmunds. Private Walker will be turned into Rambo over-night.

            And just one more point. If you are gunna go on one of these shows, fucking go for it. I don’t mean “deal at £12,000 because that’s a lot of money”. No, just go for it. You’ve got one shot at this, do it properly. If you say “no deal” at 20 grand, you haven’t lost 20 grand. You never had 20 grand. You can’t lose anything on these shows. So you may as well try and get as much as you can. Because honestly, how many times in your life is Phillip Schofield going to offer you £50,000 to throw a ball into a basket.