My Shit New Year So Far

Fuck me 2014 is shit. In the last 2 weeks, I’ve managed to: argue with family, start and fail to write a book, start and fail to write a television script, scrapped 3 “resolutions”, drunk too much beer and destroyed any respect I had for the educational system. In all truth, everyone seems to be having an equally self destructive year... bar blind delusional optimists that skip around on New Years Day wearing flowery tops and giggling about how sunny it is or some shit. I’m sure they are just loving life, while they listen to their “Sounds of the Amazon” CD and do yoga.

Which begs the question: why are we all so excited about the year ending anyway? Resolutions mean nothing. The idea of us all actually changing or becoming better people with the new year has long since been abandoned. Don’t kid yourself, stop making resolutions. Although it is always great to see a giant heffalump of a person drag their carcass body up the hill from the gym on the 3rd January. The disappointment in their eyes,  the honesty that encapsulates that look they give you as you speed past in a car. As if to say: “I know mate, I don’t know why I even bothered. I’m too lazy to lose weight.”

Makes me feel all warm inside.

It’s easy and cliche, but I’d have to put it down to the booze. More than cliche even, it’s a little sad. As socially evolved as we are, us humans can’t seem to cope with the fact that we are all one year closer to our inevitable demise. One step closer to heaven, a genius once sang.

And that’s one thing I will give it. New Years Eve unites the world (except China, for reasons best kept to themselves). Yes, it unites the world. I can moan all day long about how pointless resolutions are or how the new year will be exactly the same or how people are so naive in thinking they will change just because they have a new Michael Buble calendar. But there is one event that the earth not China stands united in beer, fireworks, Big Fat Quiz of the Year and blind optimism for. And if there is one thing that the human race can do fucking well, it’s drink our problems away.

Here’s to us, you miserable bastards.

The Non-ambition of Most People

Yeh mate, if you're happy with your infinite, dead end, pointless job at McDonalds, flipping burgers for minimum wage, cry wanking over your meaningless existence because you're counting down the days until your next gold star, this one's for you. If you're okay with the fact that your idea of "the best night of your life" is going to some slummy bar and getting so fucked up you piss in your own shoes, thus spending last months "hard earned" cash, and trying to "pull" the fittest girl about with some chat up line you heard on Take Me Out, you go for it. If you're only plans for the next year are to carry on marching through the dreary, boring stalemate of a life, what the hell is wrong with you?

How can people have no dreams, or ambition? It's fucking mental, it's literally an offence to humanity to do fuck all with your life. Have some fucking creation. Have some fucking role models. Have some fucking lust to do anything that'll make an impact on the Earth and try to leave somewhat of an print after your inevitable demise. 

And leaving an arseprint on you sofa as a result of watching Jeremy Kyle for 30 years straight is not the same thing. 

There are people out there who are half your age, winning awards. Working their arses off to be something more than a social vagrant. Working their arses off to have their names whispered throughout a field.

There are people who work over ten hours a day, everyday, to make sure their family's have food to eat and the opportunity to do whatever they want in life, and you fucking sit there picking hula hoops out of your belly button, mouthing the words to an episode of Two and a-Half Men you've seen a thousand times, not even understanding what life is really about.

Fuck you.