The X Factor

Literally cannot imagine anything worse than going to one of these "X Factor parties" people seems to be jizzing over now a days. 

"Hey Jord, wanna come over and watch the X Factor final with 12 other people you don't know? We'll get Doritos!"

"Hmmm.... Let me think about that Dave..... No. No I wouldn't like to come round to your house where 80% of the people have to sit on bean bags or the floor and get half drunk while watching a bunch of half wit pricks beg for a chance at being Simon Cowell's fuck buddy for 8 months. You need to get some friends, and a life if that's how you want to spend a Saturday night."

That's all they are, half witted pricks. 

Don't give us all this shit about wanting to be a "rockstar" or whatever. You just want to be famous. 90% of people that go on that show don't give a shit about making music, and that's why they release one début album and disappear off the face of the Earth. They want to be Kim Kardashian, not Freddie Mercury.

It's the same every year, with the same sob story excuses, and the same shitty songs, and the same shitty judges, and the same shitty costumes, and the same shitty shows blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhh...............

It's everything that's wrong with music. It's not an art any more, it's a business, and as soon as some conglomerate blowing, money raping, shameless dick head like Simon Cowell get's hold of something like this it's over. Music is dead, and Jimmy Hendrix is turning in his grave. 

The King is dead, long live the prick. 

Sit Coms

Now I love comedy. Situation comedys, if they are done properly, are fantastic, and it is a personal goal of mine to get into writing comedy at some point. 

But when half-arsed "comedians" put these jester like shows together it's an embarrassment to their careers, and our intelligence. 

Catherine Tate is a prime example. Most of her shit is just terrible catchphrases being shouted at high volume by hyperbolic characters, I don't think I have ever actually laughed at anything on The Catherine Tate Show. How can anyone find that funny?

"Ugh... am ah boverd?" No Catherine, I don't suppose you are bothered. Because we haven't been bothered ever since you showed your fucked up ugly mug on our TV screens. Little Britain was better, but still absolutely cringe worthy. How hard is it to get a fat guy in a dirty shirt to get out of a wheel chair and jump in a pool? About as hard as stamping on a kittens head, and just as funny. 

They don't want comedic respect, or to force people to understand the jokes. There's no work on the audiences part. Writers are expected to spoon feed audiences with these shows and it's fucking sickening. You might as well let kids watch it. It's the CBBC version of comedy, and they're happy with that. 

No shame, no shame in this lowest common denominator comedy. Just taking three days to write a shitty script and put on a shitty outfit just to make some Jeremy Kyle veteran, doll queue hero, 5 kid parenting 19 year old piss themselves for half an hour. Your parents must be so proud. 

Good comedy is full of intelligence, irony and forethought. Not sloppy observations and annoying characters screaming desperately at the camera gasping for any laugh they can get. 

And don't even get me started on Mrs. Browns Boys. 

Christmas

Shut the fuck up, it's my blog and I can dislike what I like. And I hate Christmas.

Like most things in this sycophantic factory of a world, the main thing that pisses me off about Christmas is how stupidly excited people get about it. You can see these types of people on the 20th of November skipping through shopping centres with tinsel around there necks humming "Mistletoe and Wine". Tell you what you can do, go suck off a middle aged, life scorned Santa Claus and hibernate until the 5th of January. You absolute dip shit.

What's worse, is that nobody can explain exactly why they are getting excited. It isn't "the presents", you buy things all year. It isn't "the snow", it snows any time between November and February now a days, (not that snow is anything to get excited about anyway. It's frozen water, shut the fuck up), it's not "seeing your family", you can do that any day. 

And it isn't the Christmas dinner. Think about it, Christmas owns the "massive Sunday dinner" now. If it wasn't for Christmas dinner, we'd have a massive Sunday dinner every week, but nooooooo. Christmas owns that now, we save all the proper food for a special occasion, you know, like an imaginary baby's birthday. How much more special can you get?

So we just resign ourselves to the fact that we have to eat super noodles all year round, in the desperate hope that finally, when December 25th comes around, that turkey will taste like heaven compared to all the processed shit we swear by 99% of the time. And if not, there's always next year. 

Idiots.   

Joey Essex

Mr and Mrs "Essex" would definitely be on my "kill list" if I ever invented a time machine and went back to the 1980s. Seriously dude, what fucked up, brain mangled, school dodging crack addicts would want to raise their kid to be like Joey Essex? If my kid couldn't tell me how many sides a square had by his mid 20s, I's hold myself personally responsible and get straight to re-enacting the BME Pain Olympics video pronto. 

Don't dare tell me he's adorable. He's not adorable, he's a joke to the human race. It's not OK for a guy like him to be so stupid and have as much money as him. There's no way he was the fastest sperm, all the other little swimmers must have been having a lie in when the call came in. 

They all piss me off I suppose, these reality TV pirates that thrive off advertises money and pointless TV time. With their fucking fake tan and their stupid 70 hair styling products. And that's just the guys.

But Joey is a special case, because he's thrust into out faces constantly.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY, HE'S AMAZING. HE'S "SO GOOD LOOKING" AND HE'S STUPID. SO THAT MEANS YOU 15 YEAR OLD FAN GIRLS WATCHING DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND CAN JUST DESPERATELY TRY TO GET ANY TV APPEARANCE FOR ANY MONEY AND LIVE OFF THAT. IT'S THE LIFE!"

Fuck you. 

Whoever made that douche bag, who thinks it's funny to be nigh on retarded, famous is as stupid as him. I just hope he gets eaten by an anaconda in the jungle. Come on God, I don't ask for much. Just let him fall off the string bridge. Please. 

And if you haven't seen the Pain Olympics, Google that video. Not for the faint hearted, enjoy. 

Superstition

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing in the world is when people are ridiculously superstitious and refuse to believe they are being superstitious. This generation needs to get this into their heads: some things are real, and some things aren't.  I don't know which crack pot, drugged up psychopath decided that breaking a mirror would give you 7 years "bad luck", but how anybody with a human brain can believe in these fucking ridiculously stupid, made up rules is beyond me. 

Can you imagine it being a question in an interview: "So, you're fantastically qualified in every field relating to this job. Almost over qualified it seems Mr.Jones. Just one last thing, just a formality don't worry, have you ever broken a mirror?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Broken a mirror man, have you ever broken a mirror, and if so, how long ago was it? COME ON MAN! I NEED NUMBERS! WHAT NEXT, YOU'RE GUNNA TELL ME YOU OWN A BLACK CAT OR REGULARLY WALK UNDER LADDERS. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WITCH!"

Fantastic. 

Simply, what it is, is that human beings have a tendency to make things up. When our minds can't explain something, we prefer to make things up and believe them in earnest as oppose to travelling blissfully through the unknown. Which is a backward way of doing things, but a necessary truth of human existence. I have literally explained there why people believe in ghosts. There is no proof of ghosts whatsoever, apart from crazy people preaching that they can "talk to the dead". 

Yeh, no you can't mate. I don't know what you're doing right now, but you ain't talking to the "spirits of the dead".

Human beings invent things, because it appears that reality is too much. Nobody wants to believe that they will in fact just die and no spirit or afterlife exists. But it is the truth, I am afraid. Stop believing in things just because other people tell you to. Ghosts and superstitions we're invented to support the works of religion and fiction. 

Little bit morbid, but I'm hungover. 

The British Government

As if we Brits didn't already have cause to hate the Government already, now they've started slipping below, even their own standards of lackluster stupidity. 

So we all hate the BNP, yeh? They're stupid, narrow minded, fat old losers that definitely were picked on at school and now mask racism as "change". There's no argument there, if you're at all educated you know you hate the BNP. I mean for fuck sake Nick Griffon, maybe if you had spent the majority of your childhood playing football or climbing trees, or doing anything in fact, anything that wasn't sitting inside nursing this burning resentment for the world's inhabitants, you would done something with your life that would have actually made your mummy and daddy proud, therefore voiding the need for this crazy crusade you are on to rid "Britain" of all the "Pakis". Nick Griffon wasn't hugged as a child. 

But at least he's honest. At least he flat out says: "Yep, I hate black people." *winks at the camera with his thumbs up*. Then we can all just: "Oh look at that Sarah, it's a stupid fat bloke on the telly being a racist. Well I wont be listening to anything he has to say, but he'll be a great point of ridicule." 

Job's a good one.

At least he isn't a sly little worm, like the Home Office have been this week. What our beloved all mighty Home Office has done, and correct me if I'm wrong, is text 40,000 residents of the UK, telling them that they are illegal immigrants. Which is both astounding and hilarious on so many levels. So what, what David Cameron's plan is, is to text all these "illegal immigrants" that are "tearing this country apart" and ask them to leave? To be honest Dave, I think these "illegal immigrants" already have a complete disregard for the law. Therefore, you texting them: "R U an immigrant LOL. Like, go home init xoxox" won't do an awful lot, I am guessing. 

Not only is it that it's a ridiculous plan, that by the way has been deemed as "proactive steps...". Yeh, proper pro active that Dave and the gang. But they fucked it up anyway. A fair few of these texts went to people who had every right to be living in the UK. *slow sarcastic clap*. Nice to know tax payer's money is going to a good cause, ey lads?

"But what about those maverick immigrants that don't have a phone? What you gunna do there Dave?"

"Yeh, not sure a letter on horseback is the best way to go."

"No no, you're the prime minister. I'll saddle up Bullseye now."

Stupid pen pushing fat cats.

The England Football Team

Now I am a big football fan. I am a proud supporter of Liverpool Football club, and have been for many years. See I've timed this really well, because there will be no ridicule over my choice of team as, as it happens, they are on the best run of form I've seen for 3 years. Who the fuck are Man United? #YNWA.

But I'm not complaining about the bias towards Man U in the Barclays Premier League. Although it definitely does exist, and I find it hilarious that this year it isn't paying of for the scum bag, sub par, joke of a club. I'm complaining about another inexplicable hilarity in modern day professional football: The England National Team.  

The fact that England is home to the greatest and biggest league on the planet, and boasts the most formidable talent pool to date, but yet still doesn't manage to have any kind of significant in international competitions is something that I think baffles most football fans. There is nothing wrong with the team (Minus the obvious fact that they are 11 overpaid, animalistic, spoiled little brats wearing boots that are worth more than most of our televisions). They're good footballers, individually. But it seems as soon as they put on the Three Lions shirt, they might as well have fielded 11 blind dwarfs. 

I've already had a go at Rugby. I don't get it. But at least the rugby players are really giving it all on that pitch. They're literally fighting to win the game, where as most footballers are just dancing around hoping the ball goes in the net. And in the case of our dear national team, standing still and hoping all the media hype somehow gives them special powers of telekinesis so then they can score goals with their minds. 

Actually, no. I don't think most of them even give a shit. I don't think they care if they win or lose. Or at least, that's how it looks when I watch them. There's no desperate diving headers. There's no last ditch tackles. There's no emotional overflow and fighting. There's nothing. Conveniently, they';re playing tonight. In a massive game against Montenegro. I think we're predicting a win. The day England are literally shitting themselves about playing Montenegro is the day we might as well change their nicknames from the Three Lions to the Three Wimpy Sheep. But don't have high hopes. England have a certain talent for pushing the boundaries of letting their country down. 

Cats

Cats

Cats are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a living thing. Fine.

Dogs are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.

If you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.

If you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate? What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”

A cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”

Fuck you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m gunna burn them at the stake. 

Miley Fucking Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

What happened to Hannah Montana? One day I’m watching the Disney channel, thinking: “Hey, Hannah Montana is looking fit.” And the next I’m watching the same girl grind up against a pole at the some awards do. What the hell? What’s next, Zack and Cody snorting cocaine at the FA Cup final? TJ from Recess pulling a prostitute out of the back of his car on You’ve Been Framed? Bart Simpson curb stomping Sabrina the teenage witch because she didn’t get the golden monkey on Jungle Run?

What the hell is Cyrus’ problem? What is she trying to prove? That she is capable of fucking everything on the planet? Including women, judging by her haircut. She’s been elevated to this ridiculous level of fame lately, and I don’t even know why. The only thing I know that she has done is a bad kids TV show. And she did some singing, apparently.     

It annoys me that she gets away with acting like a complete slapper in the name of “creating an image” or “styling her character”. Fuck you Miley Cirus, and fuck everyone involved in your dirty psycho career. I got lucky, by the time she started acting like Mary Magdalene I was old enough to understand that she was a fuck up.

But imagine kids trying to copy that. Billions of girls walking round with a Mohawk trying to write third rate tunes and get their faces on every newspaper possible. Imagine that world.

Snapchat

Snapchat

Whose fucking idea was Snapchat? Because I want to meet that guy, and punch him square in the face.

What was the pitch?

“Yes, I know we already have something for chatting to people Duncan Bannatyne. Yeh I know it’s called texting. BUT, have you ever had a text and thought: ‘Oooooo, could do with a picture of somebody’s face in the background there.’?

That’s what this “Snapchat” is for.”

I mean come on, most of the time, the reason I am texting a person is because I don’t want to meet them. So I really don’t care about seeing their face.

I guess it’s not really the app that annoys me; it’s the misuse of it. Like, people who pout at the camera and then put over it: “Getting some dinner”.

Nice. Real creative there. Because I really give a shit.

Obviously then though, you get these Snapchat legends. They are the reason I still have this app. People who draw a grey hat on their heads and a long beard with the caption: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”. People who put photos of themselves leaning out of a window, arms spread saying: “I’m king of the world!”. People who make themselves look like Hagrid and put: “You’re a wizard Harry.”

Snapchatters like that, you have my stamp of approval.

This Bitch

This Bitch

So I 'm on the much loved fuck up of a social networking site Facebook, and I see like thousands of people liking this girls photo. The gist of it was, a picture of her when she was in year 11, then a picture of her in 2012 wearing shit loads of make up (god knows why. Maybe she thought she was entering a competition or something), then a picture of her in 2013 looking ridiculously thin. And the description of the photo was basically saying: "Don't bully people, because this is what happens. Look what bullying did to me."

Now, that's awful. Obviously, any girl who is unlucky enough to be forced into physically harming herself to lose that much weight to conform to the pathetic "standards" of "beauty" that have been set by modern day society needs help and deserves utmost sympathy. It's an awful thing to happen.

But then, in the comments people are putting: "Oh you look beautiful <3" "Oh you're stunning x x x" and she's loving it. She is literally going: "Oh thanks emily x x x x x". And I'm like: "Hang on, weren't you trying to illustrate the extent to which you had to go to feel validated in the messed up and twisted world? You shouldn't be loving the praise, by what you put in the description you should be saying: "No, it's disgusting, I should be allowed to be who I am without feeling the need to slim down to "fit in"."

So I asked her. Literally, just said "Aren't you meant to be making a point?"

She deletes my comment. So by this point she is obviously a girl seeking attention. So I called her out. I said: "Why did you delete my comment? I am only asking what you're trying to say."

She says: "Inbox me ;')"

Fuck knows what that smiley face meant. A smile with a fag in it's mouth? I don't know. 

So I say: "No, this isn't a drama, I just want to know what you're saying." 

She deletes my comment again, then blocks me. If anyone else sees this stupid attention seeking, desperate facebook-fame lurching bitch, please call her out on it.

She clearly doesn't give a shit about any problems surrounding mental illness of innocent youngsters. She just wants fucking attention. Fuck her. Using an illness like that for fucking "Facebook fame" (whatever the fuck that means) is disgusting. 

The word "Genius"

The word "Genius".

Everyone is genius now a days. To the point where anyone who shows their face on TV is given the title. Literally, anyone. Pop singers, Big Brother contestants,  Strictly Come Dancing audience members. The list is never ending. "Genius" should the greatest compliment a person can get, and now all it means is they're quite good at playing the guitar. What happened? It's like we got into the 1970's all just decided: "Oh yeh, lets just stop using that word as the superlative of intelligence, and start using it to mean anyone who is alright at something."

Somebody comes up to me the other day and goes: "Oh wasn't John Lennon a genius?" 
And I went: "Not really, he was a great musician, but he was no Issac Newton was he." 
They went: "What? The guy with the apple?"

It was like talking to fucking Karl Pilkington. 
Yeh, that guy with the apple. That guy that single handed invented the laws of the universe. That guy. That guy that basically fathered the field of mechanics. Yeh, that guy. That guy with the apple. 

No musician is a a genius. No musician. By the same token that a bin man isn't a genius. Or that a barber isn't a genius. They do their job well. 

Leonardo Da Vicni would turn in his grave if he heard his name put in the same sentence as 2 pac's. No, not the turtle, the other one.

Rugby

Rugby

The creation of Rugby made easy. Somewhere off in a distant Welsh land:

James: “Alright lads, fancy a kick about?”

Gareth: “Yeh definitely, What about you dave?”

Dave: “Ummmm..... I’ve got a better idea.”

Gareth: “What? What can be better than football dave? It’s the best sport ever!”

Dave: “Well.... I thought instead of kicking the ball, we’ll just.... carry it and run.”

Gareth: “You have our attention dave, continue.”

Dave: “Well, we’ll try and run to the other end of the pitch?”

Gareth: “It’s sounding good dave, sounding good. How will we get the ball off of each other?”

Dave: “Umm.... just run into each other?”

Gareth: “That’s a plan.”

James: “Um... wont that hurt?”

Gareth: “Don’t be such a pussy James!”

Dave: “Right, let’s play!”

James: “Quick question, How will we know where the pitch ends?”

Dave: "Oh my god James, it’s one thing after another with you. We’ll put big fuck off forks at either end alright. That good enough your majesty?”

Gareth: “Getting real tired of your shit James.”

Might have got a few of the minor details wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s near enough right. All it is, is men trying to prove how hard they are. Big gorillas of men running at each other and just slamming shoulders together. That’s not a sport, that’s a fucking riot!

At least in American Football they have those pads and armour and shit, our guys just run round with a gum shield and kick the shit out of each other for a couple of hours. It’s mental.

And then you see these rugby players with the most beautiful women ever. How does that happen? They’ve always got cauliflower ears and half their teeth are missing. And they’re always 12x bigger than their misses. I feel like they’re gunna hug them and snap them in two.

“Oh drat I’ve killed another wife. Arthur, get me one of the Kardashian’s numbers would you. Such a waste.”

Solemnity

Solemnity

“Solemnity: The state or quality of being serious and dignified.”

So who decides what “dignified” is then? Is that saying that humorous people can never be dignified? The thing about solemnity is that it is so tightly associated with being serious that it is often used in the same way. When a writer is writing a script for a situation comedy that he wishes to propose to the BBC, is he being serious or not?

Obviously he is. Obviously Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant were serious when they were writing The Office. Obviously John Cleese and Connie Booth were serious when they wrote Fawlty Towers. Obviously Billy Connolly was serious when he wrote his stand up shows. Any genius is serious when he/she works.

           Solemnity has no place in this world. John Cleese said: “Solemnity feeds pomposity.” And he’s right. It’s just dick heads trying to act “proper”. It’s like when somebody tells a crude joke, and some Dickens reading, scarf wearing wanna-be Oxford student pipes up and goes: “Oh, I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate.”

          Oh shut the fuck up point Dexter. Nobody gives a shit what you think. Who fucking decides what’s “appropriate” and what isn’t? I handed in a university essay last year, and in it I had put a John Lennon line. Can’t remember which one, but it fit nicely with the decor of the points I was making. I thought at least it might make the marker laugh. I had an email 2 days later, from this tutor saying he didn’t think it was: “an appropriate line for an academic essay.”

          I emailed back saying: “Then mark me down for it. But honestly, if you that essay will be made better by deleting it, you must be the least creative person ever.” It’s the idea that you have to be pompous to be creative. Where was I when it was decided that everything academic must be taken seriously? Tell you what you high brow pieces of shit, you have your Universities. But your shit at writing. Lighten up. Twats.

Bad Horror Films

Bad Horror Films

By definition, a horror film has to be scary, or try to be scary. So, I’m not counting films that have given up on the whole “horror” aspect in this.

          Unfortunately, I have a friend who loves these types of movies so I end up watching a lot of them. I could go on forever about how bad Paranormal Activity is, or how Dark Skies makes no sense, but why stop there? No, I’m gunna moan about the pieces of shit films that are shown at half past 3 on a week day morning on zone horror. Now that’s where the real talent is.

          Zone Horror, is an unfortunate accident in the Sky Channel planner. I don’t know what channel it is, and I wouldn’t tell you if I did. No human being deserves that torture. They show the biggest piles of shit I have ever seen. From “The Forest of the Damned” to “Jack Frost 2”, it has no boundaries, (if you know any of those films you know exactly what I am talking about). It’s like they hate film. Like the entire culture of film has offended them in some way and they have dedicated their lives to destroying all that is beautiful in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE5dJDgZ644

          I mean what the fuck is that? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!@# WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SHIT? SERIOUSLY? What is wrong with these low life drop out mother fucking retard directors (if they can be given that title) that makes them think it’s a great idea to employ the worst actors in the history or the art, and the worst writers to ever disgrace the work of Shakespeare, and put and make a film. They aren’t directors. They must be bin men or something. Bin men that got up one day and thought: “Nothing can stop you Steve, go make a film!”

          Honestly, in the case of Jack Frost 2, it was like an hour and a half film, and half way through they abandoned any horror theme they may have once been clinging to, and just turned it into a comedy. And do you know what: it was actually quite funny.

          Despite that one minor victory, I am using this as a plea. Please, bad horror film directors, stop doing this to us. You’ve let us down, you’ve let your family down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down. Your children will laugh at you.

Come Dine With Me

Come Dine with Me

This is how Come Dine with Me should be:

“So our first contestant is Jordan, from Barnsley. Tell us what you’ll be cooking Jordan.”

“My guest with be eating a bruised banana for starters, my main is guuna be beans on toast, and for desert I’ve managed to get my hands on some treacle sponge.”

“That’s sounds great Jordan, but I think your guests might be expecting a more cultured menu.”

“Ahh, no worries, I’ve figured it out. Obviously I’m gunna put a cheese slice on the beans and there is some custard in the fridge for the desert.

Now that would be much more entertaining than some middle aged wierdos letting randomers look through their cupboards before serving food with names like spells in Harry Potter.

          There’s always a token gay guy, a gobby woman, an arsehole and somebody who thinks he’s Tom Cruise. The gay guy can never cook, Tom cruise thinks he can, all the arsehole wants to talk about is politics and the mouthy bitch always takes massive offence at some comment that means nothing. What is this shit? How did it ever get on TV?

          Another thing, the winner (if you can call a massive loser a winner) gets £1,000. That’s it. Not that I am saying they’ve earned more than that, but a grand? Really? I mean I wouldn’t turn my nose up at 4 free dinners and a thousand pounds, but it just seems like such a pointless show to enter. Why wouldn’t they enter deal or no deal or something?

          I’ll tell you why, because on deal or no deal they don’t get to show off. And that’s what they want, just to show off. Because for some reason they think that being able to cook a mediocre grilled sea bass makes them the Queen of England.

          And they’re all bull shitters. They could have the most amazing night ever and they will never give higher than an 8. They will only ever give a 6,7,8 or in exceptional circumstances a 9. I would love to see my mates on that show. All these twats expecting a mushroom ravioli and chocolate fondant and they’d just get them a McDonalds.

“You WILL eat your big mac, and you’ll enjoy it. Cost me £4.99 that. Cheeky shit.”

The Apprentice

The Apprentice

On level with Big Brother in the list of worst shows on TV. Substitute Davina McCall for Sir Alan Sugar and those crazy tasks for selling bits of shit and it is really the same thing. They are both just popularity contests, with either the public or the suit wearing Del Boy.

          That is reason enough to despise the thing. But there is more. The way that the contestants brown nose Sugar is just revolting. After he tells them why there were shite on this week’s task, there’s always one stupid little toss pot that pipes up and tries to explain why he’s better than everybody else. They’re always trying to set themselves apart but really they just look like massive sycophantic wanker.

          And seen as “Sir Alan” is always trying to make himself seem like a “down to earth person”, I don’t see why he doesn’t just tell them straight.

Business Twat: “I believe I am the next big thing, Lord Sir Alan Sugar Daddy, Mwah.”

Sugar: “OH shut it you plonker! Sling your hook you tart!

Tell me that doesn’t sound like the best boardroom meeting ever?

          That’s the other thing: why does Sugar feel the need to act like Barry Big Arms every time the camera is on him? Always shouting and using cockney rhyming slang, as if we’re meant to believe he actually acts like that in his every-day life. He’s just a cockney that found a suit and thought that made him a millionaire. He’s mentally unstable, rare form of schizophrenia where he thinks he’s living another laugh.

          I have a theory on the Apprentice. I think that when it gets to about week 5 or 6 and the viewers are getting bored, they just slip more people in and pretend they’ve been there since the beginning. I cannot be the only one that has no idea who half of them are by the middle of the series?

          That’s the point really, we don’t care who they are. They’re all the same, we are all just waiting for the point when Nick jumps on the table, strips off and wings his cock around in Lord Sugar’s face before running through the glass doors behind. Meanwhile, Sugar is telling the project manager why he’s being fired, and as he points his finger at him, he has a heart attack. Sugar dies, and London taxi drivers everywhere weep.

Pretentious People

Pretentious People

Oh I’m sorry my good sir, I didn’t realise that you’re better than me because you read Shakespeare in your spare time and have a fancy car. Or that you only wear shirts with some kind of animal on its left hand boob. How silly of me. Tell you what, how about you sit down there and drink some early grey while I shine your shoes and recite your favourite poems in a jaunty accent.

          Fuck you and your “aftershave”. Pretentious people are easily the worst kind of people, beating paedophiles and terrorists by a mile. Obviously. There’s a reason for this. It’s a simple choice. People choose to be pretentious. It’s their fault and their fault only. It’s so easy to just be normal, but yet we still see bastards walking round, swinging their arms, like they’re the “big I am”.

          Why do this? Why do some human beings automatically assume they are better than other human beings? Why is that your default stance? What has gone wrong in your head to make you think that you have the right to judge people at will? Because I’ll tell you something for nothing, you’re almost always no different from the people you’re judging.

          You’ve got your faults too dick head. Just because people don’t feel the need to constantly compare themselves to you doesn’t mean you’re invincible. And to be brutally honest, it’s most likely the fact that you’re pretentious that makes you a worse al round person than the average Brit. Whatever tastes you have adopted because of your “I am all-mighty” stance on life, I bet you don’t really care for at all. We all know you’re a normal kid really. You don’t have to try so hard to adopt a “style” or “look” or whatever it is you’re trying to do. We don’t all meet up in the pub later and go: “Jesus, did you hear that kid earlier talking about existentialism in Kierkegaard’s Paradox? He is a genius isn’t he” It doesn’t happen.

          We go: “How much can somebody try and show off in one lesson.” No fucking need kid. No fucking need. It drives us normal people up the bend.

          And a lot of the time, it’s harmless. There’s these flashy kids that want to show off and make themselves feel good by putting “ism” on the end of everything, and they are ignorable and it’s fine. But occasionally, just occasionally, there comes along a first class slice of wanker that brags about shit he probably hasn’t even done. And it’s the sanity stretching experience of one’s life. Put that in your fucking “pocket diaries”.

Attention Whores

Attention Whores

We all know the girl, who cakes herself in make-up and puts shit loads of half-naked photos of herself on Facebook. We all know the girl that’ll go out and snog any guy that gives her 5 minutes of chat. We all know the girl that is so desperate to get attention and love she will literally do anything to get as much of it as possible. And we all know that if there was any justice in this world we would be able to tell that attention whore to fuck right off without feeling terrible about it. But it isn’t like that.

          You can’t turn round to the dickhead who thinks he’s “Facebook famous” (whatever the fuck that means.) and tell them to do on from existence. Because then you’re the bad guy. Who are these fucking freaks anyway that make profiles of themselves on Facebook and somehow get shit loads of people to subscribe to them? Just post a picture every other day of some cuts on their arm and be like: “Oooooooo poor old me. People pick on me because I’m different.” No, dick weed, people pick on you because you’re a bell end. I’m not shouting at anyone in particular here, let’s call them….. Make JcManus, for example. If you walk round in a fucking fur coat, make up, high heels and nose piercings, you are going to get called all sorts of things. And don’t pretend you were stupid enough to think any different. You knew for a fact that the dick heads on the street were gunna shout things at you. That’s exactly what you wanted. I’m on to you, you attention whoring shit stain.

          And who’s listening to what these people have to say? Who gives a tuppenny fuck about what these people’s views on society are? Do you not realise these guys are fucking stupid? So stupid to think they’re fucking celebrities for uploading shit 2 minute videos on a social media site.

          And the phrase “Facebook famous” doesn’t make sense. You’re either famous or you’re not. You can’t confine the definition of famous to a finite area, it voids the meaning anyway. If you can do it, Hanielle Dunt, then so can I. I’m “Home famous”. I am ridiculously famous in my home. Every time I walk in there’s a red carpet laid out for me, I have security constantly following me round, I need to hire my own personal car to take me downstairs when I have my dinner and just the other day I was sat in my room and a groupie tried to force her way through my window. She had “I love you JORDAN” tattooed on her tits. You what? That’s sounds ridiculous. Yes it does, “Facebook famous” dickhead, yes-it-does.

Bad Adverts

Bad Adverts

Bad adverts are arguably the worst, and at the same time the best thing’s to ever be broadcast. Some of the ludicrous images projected onto our screens to “trick” us into buying the new Coco Chanel perfume are, literally, comedy gold. That might be their angle you know. A bunch of sweaty men sat in a board room somewhere in London: “Oi Dave! Dave! Yeh we need a new advert mate. No we’ve used good looking people shagging on a boat. No we’ve used a lion roaring at the sun. No we’ve used the Marilyn Monroe look-a-like.

“You what? Woman walking through a make believe forest, climbing up a mountain of apples and then pulling our perfume from the branch of a tree, as if it was growing there? Hmm… Yeh that’ll do it.”

          Who comes up with this shit, seriously? Failed film school graduates? Media degree drop outs? Mental patients? It’s ridiculous. You’d have thought by this point in the social evolution of the human being, we all would have realised as a species that these adverts don’t work. The thing is as well, it’s always a foreign voice over on these perfume adverts. When did that become the standard? I’m waiting for the patriotic British aftershave: The new scent from Bill Churchill, “Bulldog”. The advert would just be a cockney geezer standing up in a pub, going: “You wat you facking mug?” and throwing some scouse feller over the bar. Slogan: “Sort it arrrrrt.”

          Adverts shouldn’t take themselves too seriously. It backfires when they do and gives us a negative perception of the brand. Or if they try to be funny but get it completely wrong and come out with some cringe worthy 30 second drought of laughs like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4QvWD4haQ0, it is just as bad. The “go compare” adverts are a prime example of this. If anybody has needed insurance and has instantly gone to gocompare.com I’d like them to come forward. Nobody wants to go to a site promoted by some over-weight Italian. Literally makes me want to stay away from that fuck up of a site, as well as killing Gio Compario. And I know recently they’ve tried to make it ironic by making it clear they know he’s annoying, but it’s gone too far. They can get Stuart Pearce to kick a football at the fat shit (NOT LIKE HE COULD MISS! HAHA! How funny was that?) or get Steven Hawking to suck him into a black hole (I’m still nonplussed as to how they got the greatest mind of the 20^th century to team up with the most useless mind of the 20^th century, but whatever), but it’s too late now.   

          We need to start an online petition to destroy all bad adverts. If a company releases a bad advert, they should be instantly liquidated, or at least the marketing department. Mind you, if that was the case we’d go through more “fragrances” in a year than Pete Doherty on a night out. He always starts with “Stale Piss”, gradually moves on to “Greasy Kebab” and nearly always sleeps in “Vomit”. Adverts should make you smile. Adverts should make you want to see your friends. Adverts, should be like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ve4M4UsJQo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnzFRV1LwIo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UBLnDXiFRM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4AvLnt3P6Q

Offense Takers

Offense Takers

Probably should have done this one first, to shield off all the shit heads. By offense takers, I literally mean: people who take offense. To anything. Anything. I don’t care what it is that has been said, any person that takes offense and gets upset by anything said or done by another human being needs to re-evaluate themselves.

          My point being, why are you actually being upset by whatever it is that’s being said? Nobody can honestly say they don’t know why they get upset about something. Either, the statement or action makes you sad or angry. Both are not logical. Example: somebody calls you a name. I don’t know, spunk bubble or something. And that gets you upset. Why should it get you upset? One: It’s only a word. It’s no different to them, calling you an orange. So stop fucking making a big deal about it. In the case of spunk bubble, you should be laughing at them for being so shit at insulting people.

          It’s all about honesty really. If you are honest with yourself, it’s really difficult for anyone to offend you in any way. If your fat (which by the way is not an insult, it’s just a state of body mass.) and you look at yourself and know your fat, then other people calling you fat shouldn’t come as a surprise. Therefore not “hurting you feelings”. However, these people that stand in-front of the mirror, and are clearly fat, lie to themselves, and then carry on eating four McDonalds a day are obviously going to be upset when some jock calls them a killer whale. And it’s their own fault. I know a person (not naming names and that) who has been informed that their child is obese. And they’re like: “Oh these doctors don’t know what they’re talking about. He’s naturally big boned. If they saw what he ate they wouldn’t think he was obese.”

The kid is 8, and he is bigger than me.

I shit you not.

These are the people that get offended by something as stupid as being called fat. Idiots.  The other side of taking offense is if you are angered by a statement or action. This is easily dealt with. How can something somebody says honestly make you that angry? Think about it, the most there comment means is that they have an opinion. And so fucking what? They don’t like your hat? So? You shouldn’t give a shit. What difference does it make if somebody doesn’t like your hat? Unless you’re dressing to impress them specifically. In that case: You clearly don’t understand that person’s taste, so you should probably target somebody you know a little better,  and it serves you right for being so desperate to impress somebody you’d wear something out of your ordinary taste.

          The world would be a better place if people just faced up to themselves and stopped taking unnecessary offense at stupid comments. We’d all be happier. And rap battles wouldn’t exist. COME ON PEOPLE! WE CAN IRRADICATE RAP BATTLING FROM EXISTENCE. Why would you pass that up.

The Crowd

The Crowd

I’ve got a feeling this will be a pretty popular one. We all hate the crowd. If you don’t know what the crowd is, then you’re in the crowd and will you please get the fuck off this page. The crowd is everything wrong with society today. It’s ruining youth and tarring all adolescence with the same brush. And before I get any shit for it, the crowd is not the same as a trend. You can dress how you like. You can wear the same stuff as the Paramore band if you like (and want to look like a twat). Go for it, just don’t start acting like everyone else are a set of fucktards for wearing other things.

          One Direction are the best example I can give really. We all know they don’t deserve to be as big as they are. In my opinion, anyone that doesn’t write their own songs shouldn’t earn a penny from music. But that’s the world we live in. That’s the crowd. A few little fan boys (or girls) start going mental over the new “boy band” and it spreads like wild fire. It’s disgusting. One Direction, at the moment, are worth around about £26 million. What the fuck planet Earth? Where the fuck was I when that happened? How the hell have we let them accumulate wealth like that? Honestly, that’s not rhetorical, I want an answer. It’s like I fell asleep and Harry Styles robbed a few banks or something. Not with a gun, he just threatened to fuck their hair up as much as he has done his own. “Gimme the moolah! Unless you want to look like Edward Scissor hands when he puts his fingers in a socket.”

          In fairness, the One Direction cultists aren’t the worst section of the crowd. It’s the sport fanatics that are the worst. They’re like the front line of the crowd. The pretentious, steroid popping, gym worshipping wankers that are deluded enough to think that playing football makes them the dogs bollocks are the worst people in the world. They stare at you, in their football gear (because they never take it off. It’s like a curse. They have to constantly wear shorts and football socks. Little known fact.) and think: “Yeh, I’m probably better than you.” You can tell by the way they look at you. They stand there, judging you, as if any of us give a shit that they go to DW sports gym twice a day. Guess what pal, you’re a bell end. Just because you’ve subscribed to a “brand of person” doesn’t mean we all want to be you. In all honesty mate, I’m fucking grateful I’m not you. Because I wouldn't have proper friends, just fellow dick heads that I kick a ball around with. Wankers.

To summarise: Fuck the crowd, most of them are idiots. And fuck Justin Bieber too. He’s a dick.  

Jobsworths

Jobsworths

So, jobsworths. Essentially people who think they are better than the rest of us “plebs”, because they have been given a slither of power over a slither of the world. These police officers that arrest “drunk” people who are sat in their cars with the keys in, because “technically you could have been driving.” Those dick heads at football matches that won’t give the bottle top to a woman with four kids, because “it’s policy.” These teachers that exclude the kid that fought off a gang that was bullying his little brother, because “rules are rules.” I say to all of you, blow your policy out of your ass. You thick, common sense lacking, no good doing, “I’m gunna make myself feel better by taking it out on somebody else” pieces of shit are no good for society and have clearly been brought up wrong.

          Quick first hand example: Couple of days ago me and a friend running to catch the shuttle bus so we can catch the train at 5 passed. Great, we’re laughing. It’s a good job we’ve got this shuttle bus service otherwise we’d have to wait half an hour for another train. Oh, what’s that Mr. big hard clever Driver? You can’t let us on the shuttle bus because there is a limit of 10 people standing and 9 are already on? Oh yeh, that makes perfect sense. I presume if me and my friend got on to the bus, it would immediately implode given that the “rule had been broken”, thus leaving all aboard swirling for eternity in a shit storm of bus metal, blood and university work.

          Sense the tone of sarcasm. Any person with half a fucking brain cell can see that it would make no fucking difference if there was one more person on the bus. But these shit for brains, power mad, megalomaniacs have it sussed. It’s everyone else that’s stupid, and they know better than all us sane people. I know a guy that was fined £30 for not having a ticket on the train, on a journey that was 5 minutes long. I shit you not. 5 minutes. This fuck up of a train conductor that thinks it’s our fault that we had to rush for the train because the company you fucking work for can’t keep to a schedule, and wanted to buy a ticket on the train. Like that is “fare dodging.” The guy that’s hunched into the tiny WC is fare dodging, Sherlock Holmes, not the guy waiting patiently to buy a ticket. Fucking jobsworth. People just need to lighten up a little. Why would anyone want to be that uptight? Unless you work in bomb disposal, the tiniest of details do not matter in your life. And if all you’ve got to make you feel good is being picky like that you need to find an anal girlfriend or some shit because I’ve had enough of this. Besides, a great man once said: “Rules are more like guidelines anyway.” 

Strip Clubs

Strip Clubs

Hey… NO! No. It’s “Strip Clubs”. I am a straight man. I’m not saying I hate seeing attractive women next to naked, although either way I don’t see why you’d jump to that conclusion. Homophobes.

          I do in fact despise strip clubs, with a burning passion. I hate the women that work there, I hate the men that go in there and I hate the concept of luring penis driven drunkards into a bar to charge literally borderline illegal prices for drinks and “other services”. It’s the assumption that everyone with a penis is stupid enough to pay £20 for a half-decent looking woman to wave her arse in their face that really pisses me off. And then these “lads” out on the “lash” will go and prove them absolutely right. These places shouldn’t earn money. They shouldn’t turn profit. The drinks alone are ridiculously priced. But they do, because after a few pints one of these dances make boys feel like Brad Pitt. They feel like they’ve pulled because these girls chat them up. It’s just too easy for them.

          Do you know what I tell these strippers: Fuck you. Fuck you and your bull shit lines. Fuck you and your patronisation. Fuck you and your bleach blonde hair. How fucking stupid do you actually think I am? And you’d think at this point they’d realise I have half a brain, so they’re probably barking up the wrong tree. But noooooooo. No, they offer me “a special £70 extra dirty dance”. One, Mrs.Stripper woman, I don’t even know what the fuck that means, so you’re “clever stripper lingo” intrinsically designed to trick me into going upstairs with you is lost on me, and two, why, after I have made it so blatantly obvious that I don’t give a shit, do you persist?

          One last cheap shot, then I’ll stop. If, now this point is based on IF, prostitution is the laziest form of occupation. If prostitutes are the lowest form of person, the surely strippers are just lazy prostitutes. At least Crystal on the street corners gets the job done. I mean I’m just saying. If you can’t even be bothered to do a job properly, then why are you even on this planet? I mean, that’s just logic right there.

         

Game Shows

Saturday 16^th March 2013

Game Shows

I don’t care if you’re picking a box, being chased by a fat man or throwing a ball in a massive cube. Game shows fucking wind me up and I cannot be the only one. Tell me you don’t cringe every time you hear Noel say: “Welcome to deal or no deal.”

            My initial grievance with these pathetic excuses for entertainment, is the people that are attracted to go on these shows. The attention seeking, money grabbing, over emotional plebs that’ll do anything to get on television seriously have a screw loose. How little self-respect must these people have left to pander and go along with these game shows stories? “The banker wants to talk to you…” “OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.” NO!!!! NOT OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!! IT HAPPENS EVERY EPISODE, AND HE DOES THE EXACT SAME THING AS WHEN HE TALKS TO NOEL! HE OFFERS THEM FUCKING MOOOOOONNNNEY. Honestly, I feel like I’m the crazy one.

            This leads me to my second, but in not dissimilar, point of annoyance. The hosts of these shows are the worst they have ever been now. No, this is serious now. Stop ITV. Stop BBC. Stop Channel 4. We get your point, you have access to a load of D list celebrities that will run your game shows. Stop now. These episodes of Deal or No Deal where you get Noel Edmunds to dress up are just too far. They literally make me want to throw up on the TV. And don’t even get me started on the “craaaaazy banter” he has with the contestants. You know how they’re supposed to play heavy rock music to get soldiers geared up for battle? Well, I got a better idea. Just invent a drug that makes them think everybody is Noel Edmunds. Private Walker will be turned into Rambo over-night.

            And just one more point. If you are gunna go on one of these shows, fucking go for it. I don’t mean “deal at £12,000 because that’s a lot of money”. No, just go for it. You’ve got one shot at this, do it properly. If you say “no deal” at 20 grand, you haven’t lost 20 grand. You never had 20 grand. You can’t lose anything on these shows. So you may as well try and get as much as you can. Because honestly, how many times in your life is Phillip Schofield going to offer you £50,000 to throw a ball into a basket.