The Apprentice

The Apprentice

On level with Big Brother in the list of worst shows on TV. Substitute Davina McCall for Sir Alan Sugar and those crazy tasks for selling bits of shit and it is really the same thing. They are both just popularity contests, with either the public or the suit wearing Del Boy.

          That is reason enough to despise the thing. But there is more. The way that the contestants brown nose Sugar is just revolting. After he tells them why there were shite on this week’s task, there’s always one stupid little toss pot that pipes up and tries to explain why he’s better than everybody else. They’re always trying to set themselves apart but really they just look like massive sycophantic wanker.

          And seen as “Sir Alan” is always trying to make himself seem like a “down to earth person”, I don’t see why he doesn’t just tell them straight.

Business Twat: “I believe I am the next big thing, Lord Sir Alan Sugar Daddy, Mwah.”

Sugar: “OH shut it you plonker! Sling your hook you tart!

Tell me that doesn’t sound like the best boardroom meeting ever?

          That’s the other thing: why does Sugar feel the need to act like Barry Big Arms every time the camera is on him? Always shouting and using cockney rhyming slang, as if we’re meant to believe he actually acts like that in his every-day life. He’s just a cockney that found a suit and thought that made him a millionaire. He’s mentally unstable, rare form of schizophrenia where he thinks he’s living another laugh.

          I have a theory on the Apprentice. I think that when it gets to about week 5 or 6 and the viewers are getting bored, they just slip more people in and pretend they’ve been there since the beginning. I cannot be the only one that has no idea who half of them are by the middle of the series?

          That’s the point really, we don’t care who they are. They’re all the same, we are all just waiting for the point when Nick jumps on the table, strips off and wings his cock around in Lord Sugar’s face before running through the glass doors behind. Meanwhile, Sugar is telling the project manager why he’s being fired, and as he points his finger at him, he has a heart attack. Sugar dies, and London taxi drivers everywhere weep.