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If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. - Doug Stanhope

Friday 12 April 2013

Bad Adverts


Bad Adverts

Bad adverts are arguably the worst, and at the same time the best thing’s to ever be broadcast. Some of the ludicrous images projected onto our screens to “trick” us into buying the new Coco Chanel perfume are, literally, comedy gold. That might be their angle you know. A bunch of sweaty men sat in a board room somewhere in London: “Oi Dave! Dave! Yeh we need a new advert mate. No we’ve used good looking people shagging on a boat. No we’ve used a lion roaring at the sun. No we’ve used the Marilyn Monroe look-a-like.
“You what? Woman walking through a make believe forest, climbing up a mountain of apples and then pulling our perfume from the branch of a tree, as if it was growing there? Hmm… Yeh that’ll do it.”
          Who comes up with this shit, seriously? Failed film school graduates? Media degree drop outs? Mental patients? It’s ridiculous. You’d have thought by this point in the social evolution of the human being, we all would have realised as a species that these adverts don’t work. The thing is as well, it’s always a foreign voice over on these perfume adverts. When did that become the standard? I’m waiting for the patriotic British aftershave: The new scent from Bill Churchill, “Bulldog”. The advert would just be a cockney geezer standing up in a pub, going: “You wat you facking mug?” and throwing some scouse feller over the bar. Slogan: “Sort it arrrrrt.”
          Adverts shouldn’t take themselves too seriously. It backfires when they do and gives us a negative perception of the brand. Or if they try to be funny but get it completely wrong and come out with some cringe worthy 30 second drought of laughs like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4QvWD4haQ0, it is just as bad. The “go compare” adverts are a prime example of this. If anybody has needed insurance and has instantly gone to gocompare.com I’d like them to come forward. Nobody wants to go to a site promoted by some over-weight Italian. Literally makes me want to stay away from that fuck up of a site, as well as killing Gio Compario. And I know recently they’ve tried to make it ironic by making it clear they know he’s annoying, but it’s gone too far. They can get Stuart Pearce to kick a football at the fat shit (NOT LIKE HE COULD MISS! HAHA! How funny was that?) or get Steven Hawking to suck him into a black hole (I’m still nonplussed as to how they got the greatest mind of the 20th century to team up with the most useless mind of the 20th century, but whatever), but it’s too late now.   
          We need to start an online petition to destroy all bad adverts. If a company releases a bad advert, they should be instantly liquidated, or at least the marketing department. Mind you, if that was the case we’d go through more “fragrances” in a year than Pete Doherty on a night out. He always starts with “Stale Piss”, gradually moves on to “Greasy Kebab” and nearly always sleeps in “Vomit”. Adverts should make you smile. Adverts should make you want to see your friends. Adverts, should be like this:




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