Cats
Cats
are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over
millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely
fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something
to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them
some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a
living thing. Fine.
Dogs
are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be
sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and
your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you
are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a
dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the
rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something
good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.
If
you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of
the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re
the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit
there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.
If
you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate?
What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where
did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”
A
cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that
for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you
still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”
Fuck
you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope
Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m
gunna burn them at the stake.
