Superstition

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing in the world is when people are ridiculously superstitious and refuse to believe they are being superstitious. This generation needs to get this into their heads: some things are real, and some things aren't.  I don't know which crack pot, drugged up psychopath decided that breaking a mirror would give you 7 years "bad luck", but how anybody with a human brain can believe in these fucking ridiculously stupid, made up rules is beyond me. 

Can you imagine it being a question in an interview: "So, you're fantastically qualified in every field relating to this job. Almost over qualified it seems Mr.Jones. Just one last thing, just a formality don't worry, have you ever broken a mirror?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Broken a mirror man, have you ever broken a mirror, and if so, how long ago was it? COME ON MAN! I NEED NUMBERS! WHAT NEXT, YOU'RE GUNNA TELL ME YOU OWN A BLACK CAT OR REGULARLY WALK UNDER LADDERS. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WITCH!"

Fantastic. 

Simply, what it is, is that human beings have a tendency to make things up. When our minds can't explain something, we prefer to make things up and believe them in earnest as oppose to travelling blissfully through the unknown. Which is a backward way of doing things, but a necessary truth of human existence. I have literally explained there why people believe in ghosts. There is no proof of ghosts whatsoever, apart from crazy people preaching that they can "talk to the dead". 

Yeh, no you can't mate. I don't know what you're doing right now, but you ain't talking to the "spirits of the dead".

Human beings invent things, because it appears that reality is too much. Nobody wants to believe that they will in fact just die and no spirit or afterlife exists. But it is the truth, I am afraid. Stop believing in things just because other people tell you to. Ghosts and superstitions we're invented to support the works of religion and fiction. 

Little bit morbid, but I'm hungover. 

The British Government

As if we Brits didn't already have cause to hate the Government already, now they've started slipping below, even their own standards of lackluster stupidity. 

So we all hate the BNP, yeh? They're stupid, narrow minded, fat old losers that definitely were picked on at school and now mask racism as "change". There's no argument there, if you're at all educated you know you hate the BNP. I mean for fuck sake Nick Griffon, maybe if you had spent the majority of your childhood playing football or climbing trees, or doing anything in fact, anything that wasn't sitting inside nursing this burning resentment for the world's inhabitants, you would done something with your life that would have actually made your mummy and daddy proud, therefore voiding the need for this crazy crusade you are on to rid "Britain" of all the "Pakis". Nick Griffon wasn't hugged as a child. 

But at least he's honest. At least he flat out says: "Yep, I hate black people." *winks at the camera with his thumbs up*. Then we can all just: "Oh look at that Sarah, it's a stupid fat bloke on the telly being a racist. Well I wont be listening to anything he has to say, but he'll be a great point of ridicule." 

Job's a good one.

At least he isn't a sly little worm, like the Home Office have been this week. What our beloved all mighty Home Office has done, and correct me if I'm wrong, is text 40,000 residents of the UK, telling them that they are illegal immigrants. Which is both astounding and hilarious on so many levels. So what, what David Cameron's plan is, is to text all these "illegal immigrants" that are "tearing this country apart" and ask them to leave? To be honest Dave, I think these "illegal immigrants" already have a complete disregard for the law. Therefore, you texting them: "R U an immigrant LOL. Like, go home init xoxox" won't do an awful lot, I am guessing. 

Not only is it that it's a ridiculous plan, that by the way has been deemed as "proactive steps...". Yeh, proper pro active that Dave and the gang. But they fucked it up anyway. A fair few of these texts went to people who had every right to be living in the UK. *slow sarcastic clap*. Nice to know tax payer's money is going to a good cause, ey lads?

"But what about those maverick immigrants that don't have a phone? What you gunna do there Dave?"

"Yeh, not sure a letter on horseback is the best way to go."

"No no, you're the prime minister. I'll saddle up Bullseye now."

Stupid pen pushing fat cats.

The England Football Team

Now I am a big football fan. I am a proud supporter of Liverpool Football club, and have been for many years. See I've timed this really well, because there will be no ridicule over my choice of team as, as it happens, they are on the best run of form I've seen for 3 years. Who the fuck are Man United? #YNWA.

But I'm not complaining about the bias towards Man U in the Barclays Premier League. Although it definitely does exist, and I find it hilarious that this year it isn't paying of for the scum bag, sub par, joke of a club. I'm complaining about another inexplicable hilarity in modern day professional football: The England National Team.  

The fact that England is home to the greatest and biggest league on the planet, and boasts the most formidable talent pool to date, but yet still doesn't manage to have any kind of significant in international competitions is something that I think baffles most football fans. There is nothing wrong with the team (Minus the obvious fact that they are 11 overpaid, animalistic, spoiled little brats wearing boots that are worth more than most of our televisions). They're good footballers, individually. But it seems as soon as they put on the Three Lions shirt, they might as well have fielded 11 blind dwarfs. 

I've already had a go at Rugby. I don't get it. But at least the rugby players are really giving it all on that pitch. They're literally fighting to win the game, where as most footballers are just dancing around hoping the ball goes in the net. And in the case of our dear national team, standing still and hoping all the media hype somehow gives them special powers of telekinesis so then they can score goals with their minds. 

Actually, no. I don't think most of them even give a shit. I don't think they care if they win or lose. Or at least, that's how it looks when I watch them. There's no desperate diving headers. There's no last ditch tackles. There's no emotional overflow and fighting. There's nothing. Conveniently, they';re playing tonight. In a massive game against Montenegro. I think we're predicting a win. The day England are literally shitting themselves about playing Montenegro is the day we might as well change their nicknames from the Three Lions to the Three Wimpy Sheep. But don't have high hopes. England have a certain talent for pushing the boundaries of letting their country down. 

Cats

Cats

Cats are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a living thing. Fine.

Dogs are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.

If you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.

If you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate? What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”

A cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”

Fuck you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m gunna burn them at the stake. 

Miley Fucking Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

What happened to Hannah Montana? One day I’m watching the Disney channel, thinking: “Hey, Hannah Montana is looking fit.” And the next I’m watching the same girl grind up against a pole at the some awards do. What the hell? What’s next, Zack and Cody snorting cocaine at the FA Cup final? TJ from Recess pulling a prostitute out of the back of his car on You’ve Been Framed? Bart Simpson curb stomping Sabrina the teenage witch because she didn’t get the golden monkey on Jungle Run?

What the hell is Cyrus’ problem? What is she trying to prove? That she is capable of fucking everything on the planet? Including women, judging by her haircut. She’s been elevated to this ridiculous level of fame lately, and I don’t even know why. The only thing I know that she has done is a bad kids TV show. And she did some singing, apparently.     

It annoys me that she gets away with acting like a complete slapper in the name of “creating an image” or “styling her character”. Fuck you Miley Cirus, and fuck everyone involved in your dirty psycho career. I got lucky, by the time she started acting like Mary Magdalene I was old enough to understand that she was a fuck up.

But imagine kids trying to copy that. Billions of girls walking round with a Mohawk trying to write third rate tunes and get their faces on every newspaper possible. Imagine that world.

Snapchat

Snapchat

Whose fucking idea was Snapchat? Because I want to meet that guy, and punch him square in the face.

What was the pitch?

“Yes, I know we already have something for chatting to people Duncan Bannatyne. Yeh I know it’s called texting. BUT, have you ever had a text and thought: ‘Oooooo, could do with a picture of somebody’s face in the background there.’?

That’s what this “Snapchat” is for.”

I mean come on, most of the time, the reason I am texting a person is because I don’t want to meet them. So I really don’t care about seeing their face.

I guess it’s not really the app that annoys me; it’s the misuse of it. Like, people who pout at the camera and then put over it: “Getting some dinner”.

Nice. Real creative there. Because I really give a shit.

Obviously then though, you get these Snapchat legends. They are the reason I still have this app. People who draw a grey hat on their heads and a long beard with the caption: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”. People who put photos of themselves leaning out of a window, arms spread saying: “I’m king of the world!”. People who make themselves look like Hagrid and put: “You’re a wizard Harry.”

Snapchatters like that, you have my stamp of approval.

This Bitch

This Bitch

So I 'm on the much loved fuck up of a social networking site Facebook, and I see like thousands of people liking this girls photo. The gist of it was, a picture of her when she was in year 11, then a picture of her in 2012 wearing shit loads of make up (god knows why. Maybe she thought she was entering a competition or something), then a picture of her in 2013 looking ridiculously thin. And the description of the photo was basically saying: "Don't bully people, because this is what happens. Look what bullying did to me."

Now, that's awful. Obviously, any girl who is unlucky enough to be forced into physically harming herself to lose that much weight to conform to the pathetic "standards" of "beauty" that have been set by modern day society needs help and deserves utmost sympathy. It's an awful thing to happen.

But then, in the comments people are putting: "Oh you look beautiful <3" "Oh you're stunning x x x" and she's loving it. She is literally going: "Oh thanks emily x x x x x". And I'm like: "Hang on, weren't you trying to illustrate the extent to which you had to go to feel validated in the messed up and twisted world? You shouldn't be loving the praise, by what you put in the description you should be saying: "No, it's disgusting, I should be allowed to be who I am without feeling the need to slim down to "fit in"."

So I asked her. Literally, just said "Aren't you meant to be making a point?"

She deletes my comment. So by this point she is obviously a girl seeking attention. So I called her out. I said: "Why did you delete my comment? I am only asking what you're trying to say."

She says: "Inbox me ;')"

Fuck knows what that smiley face meant. A smile with a fag in it's mouth? I don't know. 

So I say: "No, this isn't a drama, I just want to know what you're saying." 

She deletes my comment again, then blocks me. If anyone else sees this stupid attention seeking, desperate facebook-fame lurching bitch, please call her out on it.

She clearly doesn't give a shit about any problems surrounding mental illness of innocent youngsters. She just wants fucking attention. Fuck her. Using an illness like that for fucking "Facebook fame" (whatever the fuck that means) is disgusting.