Cats

Cats

Cats are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a living thing. Fine.

Dogs are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.

If you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.

If you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate? What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”

A cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”

Fuck you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m gunna burn them at the stake. 

Miley Fucking Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

What happened to Hannah Montana? One day I’m watching the Disney channel, thinking: “Hey, Hannah Montana is looking fit.” And the next I’m watching the same girl grind up against a pole at the some awards do. What the hell? What’s next, Zack and Cody snorting cocaine at the FA Cup final? TJ from Recess pulling a prostitute out of the back of his car on You’ve Been Framed? Bart Simpson curb stomping Sabrina the teenage witch because she didn’t get the golden monkey on Jungle Run?

What the hell is Cyrus’ problem? What is she trying to prove? That she is capable of fucking everything on the planet? Including women, judging by her haircut. She’s been elevated to this ridiculous level of fame lately, and I don’t even know why. The only thing I know that she has done is a bad kids TV show. And she did some singing, apparently.     

It annoys me that she gets away with acting like a complete slapper in the name of “creating an image” or “styling her character”. Fuck you Miley Cirus, and fuck everyone involved in your dirty psycho career. I got lucky, by the time she started acting like Mary Magdalene I was old enough to understand that she was a fuck up.

But imagine kids trying to copy that. Billions of girls walking round with a Mohawk trying to write third rate tunes and get their faces on every newspaper possible. Imagine that world.

Snapchat

Snapchat

Whose fucking idea was Snapchat? Because I want to meet that guy, and punch him square in the face.

What was the pitch?

“Yes, I know we already have something for chatting to people Duncan Bannatyne. Yeh I know it’s called texting. BUT, have you ever had a text and thought: ‘Oooooo, could do with a picture of somebody’s face in the background there.’?

That’s what this “Snapchat” is for.”

I mean come on, most of the time, the reason I am texting a person is because I don’t want to meet them. So I really don’t care about seeing their face.

I guess it’s not really the app that annoys me; it’s the misuse of it. Like, people who pout at the camera and then put over it: “Getting some dinner”.

Nice. Real creative there. Because I really give a shit.

Obviously then though, you get these Snapchat legends. They are the reason I still have this app. People who draw a grey hat on their heads and a long beard with the caption: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”. People who put photos of themselves leaning out of a window, arms spread saying: “I’m king of the world!”. People who make themselves look like Hagrid and put: “You’re a wizard Harry.”

Snapchatters like that, you have my stamp of approval.

This Bitch

This Bitch

So I 'm on the much loved fuck up of a social networking site Facebook, and I see like thousands of people liking this girls photo. The gist of it was, a picture of her when she was in year 11, then a picture of her in 2012 wearing shit loads of make up (god knows why. Maybe she thought she was entering a competition or something), then a picture of her in 2013 looking ridiculously thin. And the description of the photo was basically saying: "Don't bully people, because this is what happens. Look what bullying did to me."

Now, that's awful. Obviously, any girl who is unlucky enough to be forced into physically harming herself to lose that much weight to conform to the pathetic "standards" of "beauty" that have been set by modern day society needs help and deserves utmost sympathy. It's an awful thing to happen.

But then, in the comments people are putting: "Oh you look beautiful <3" "Oh you're stunning x x x" and she's loving it. She is literally going: "Oh thanks emily x x x x x". And I'm like: "Hang on, weren't you trying to illustrate the extent to which you had to go to feel validated in the messed up and twisted world? You shouldn't be loving the praise, by what you put in the description you should be saying: "No, it's disgusting, I should be allowed to be who I am without feeling the need to slim down to "fit in"."

So I asked her. Literally, just said "Aren't you meant to be making a point?"

She deletes my comment. So by this point she is obviously a girl seeking attention. So I called her out. I said: "Why did you delete my comment? I am only asking what you're trying to say."

She says: "Inbox me ;')"

Fuck knows what that smiley face meant. A smile with a fag in it's mouth? I don't know. 

So I say: "No, this isn't a drama, I just want to know what you're saying." 

She deletes my comment again, then blocks me. If anyone else sees this stupid attention seeking, desperate facebook-fame lurching bitch, please call her out on it.

She clearly doesn't give a shit about any problems surrounding mental illness of innocent youngsters. She just wants fucking attention. Fuck her. Using an illness like that for fucking "Facebook fame" (whatever the fuck that means) is disgusting. 

The word "Genius"

The word "Genius".

Everyone is genius now a days. To the point where anyone who shows their face on TV is given the title. Literally, anyone. Pop singers, Big Brother contestants,  Strictly Come Dancing audience members. The list is never ending. "Genius" should the greatest compliment a person can get, and now all it means is they're quite good at playing the guitar. What happened? It's like we got into the 1970's all just decided: "Oh yeh, lets just stop using that word as the superlative of intelligence, and start using it to mean anyone who is alright at something."

Somebody comes up to me the other day and goes: "Oh wasn't John Lennon a genius?" 
And I went: "Not really, he was a great musician, but he was no Issac Newton was he." 
They went: "What? The guy with the apple?"

It was like talking to fucking Karl Pilkington. 
Yeh, that guy with the apple. That guy that single handed invented the laws of the universe. That guy. That guy that basically fathered the field of mechanics. Yeh, that guy. That guy with the apple. 

No musician is a a genius. No musician. By the same token that a bin man isn't a genius. Or that a barber isn't a genius. They do their job well. 

Leonardo Da Vicni would turn in his grave if he heard his name put in the same sentence as 2 pac's. No, not the turtle, the other one.

Rugby

Rugby

The creation of Rugby made easy. Somewhere off in a distant Welsh land:

James: “Alright lads, fancy a kick about?”

Gareth: “Yeh definitely, What about you dave?”

Dave: “Ummmm..... I’ve got a better idea.”

Gareth: “What? What can be better than football dave? It’s the best sport ever!”

Dave: “Well.... I thought instead of kicking the ball, we’ll just.... carry it and run.”

Gareth: “You have our attention dave, continue.”

Dave: “Well, we’ll try and run to the other end of the pitch?”

Gareth: “It’s sounding good dave, sounding good. How will we get the ball off of each other?”

Dave: “Umm.... just run into each other?”

Gareth: “That’s a plan.”

James: “Um... wont that hurt?”

Gareth: “Don’t be such a pussy James!”

Dave: “Right, let’s play!”

James: “Quick question, How will we know where the pitch ends?”

Dave: "Oh my god James, it’s one thing after another with you. We’ll put big fuck off forks at either end alright. That good enough your majesty?”

Gareth: “Getting real tired of your shit James.”

Might have got a few of the minor details wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s near enough right. All it is, is men trying to prove how hard they are. Big gorillas of men running at each other and just slamming shoulders together. That’s not a sport, that’s a fucking riot!

At least in American Football they have those pads and armour and shit, our guys just run round with a gum shield and kick the shit out of each other for a couple of hours. It’s mental.

And then you see these rugby players with the most beautiful women ever. How does that happen? They’ve always got cauliflower ears and half their teeth are missing. And they’re always 12x bigger than their misses. I feel like they’re gunna hug them and snap them in two.

“Oh drat I’ve killed another wife. Arthur, get me one of the Kardashian’s numbers would you. Such a waste.”

Solemnity

Solemnity

“Solemnity: The state or quality of being serious and dignified.”

So who decides what “dignified” is then? Is that saying that humorous people can never be dignified? The thing about solemnity is that it is so tightly associated with being serious that it is often used in the same way. When a writer is writing a script for a situation comedy that he wishes to propose to the BBC, is he being serious or not?

Obviously he is. Obviously Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant were serious when they were writing The Office. Obviously John Cleese and Connie Booth were serious when they wrote Fawlty Towers. Obviously Billy Connolly was serious when he wrote his stand up shows. Any genius is serious when he/she works.

           Solemnity has no place in this world. John Cleese said: “Solemnity feeds pomposity.” And he’s right. It’s just dick heads trying to act “proper”. It’s like when somebody tells a crude joke, and some Dickens reading, scarf wearing wanna-be Oxford student pipes up and goes: “Oh, I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate.”

          Oh shut the fuck up point Dexter. Nobody gives a shit what you think. Who fucking decides what’s “appropriate” and what isn’t? I handed in a university essay last year, and in it I had put a John Lennon line. Can’t remember which one, but it fit nicely with the decor of the points I was making. I thought at least it might make the marker laugh. I had an email 2 days later, from this tutor saying he didn’t think it was: “an appropriate line for an academic essay.”

          I emailed back saying: “Then mark me down for it. But honestly, if you that essay will be made better by deleting it, you must be the least creative person ever.” It’s the idea that you have to be pompous to be creative. Where was I when it was decided that everything academic must be taken seriously? Tell you what you high brow pieces of shit, you have your Universities. But your shit at writing. Lighten up. Twats.