My Shit New Year So Far

Fuck me 2014 is shit. In the last 2 weeks, I’ve managed to: argue with family, start and fail to write a book, start and fail to write a television script, scrapped 3 “resolutions”, drunk too much beer and destroyed any respect I had for the educational system. In all truth, everyone seems to be having an equally self destructive year... bar blind delusional optimists that skip around on New Years Day wearing flowery tops and giggling about how sunny it is or some shit. I’m sure they are just loving life, while they listen to their “Sounds of the Amazon” CD and do yoga.

Which begs the question: why are we all so excited about the year ending anyway? Resolutions mean nothing. The idea of us all actually changing or becoming better people with the new year has long since been abandoned. Don’t kid yourself, stop making resolutions. Although it is always great to see a giant heffalump of a person drag their carcass body up the hill from the gym on the 3rd January. The disappointment in their eyes,  the honesty that encapsulates that look they give you as you speed past in a car. As if to say: “I know mate, I don’t know why I even bothered. I’m too lazy to lose weight.”

Makes me feel all warm inside.

It’s easy and cliche, but I’d have to put it down to the booze. More than cliche even, it’s a little sad. As socially evolved as we are, us humans can’t seem to cope with the fact that we are all one year closer to our inevitable demise. One step closer to heaven, a genius once sang.

And that’s one thing I will give it. New Years Eve unites the world (except China, for reasons best kept to themselves). Yes, it unites the world. I can moan all day long about how pointless resolutions are or how the new year will be exactly the same or how people are so naive in thinking they will change just because they have a new Michael Buble calendar. But there is one event that the earth not China stands united in beer, fireworks, Big Fat Quiz of the Year and blind optimism for. And if there is one thing that the human race can do fucking well, it’s drink our problems away.

Here’s to us, you miserable bastards.

The Non-ambition of Most People

Yeh mate, if you're happy with your infinite, dead end, pointless job at McDonalds, flipping burgers for minimum wage, cry wanking over your meaningless existence because you're counting down the days until your next gold star, this one's for you. If you're okay with the fact that your idea of "the best night of your life" is going to some slummy bar and getting so fucked up you piss in your own shoes, thus spending last months "hard earned" cash, and trying to "pull" the fittest girl about with some chat up line you heard on Take Me Out, you go for it. If you're only plans for the next year are to carry on marching through the dreary, boring stalemate of a life, what the hell is wrong with you?

How can people have no dreams, or ambition? It's fucking mental, it's literally an offence to humanity to do fuck all with your life. Have some fucking creation. Have some fucking role models. Have some fucking lust to do anything that'll make an impact on the Earth and try to leave somewhat of an print after your inevitable demise. 

And leaving an arseprint on you sofa as a result of watching Jeremy Kyle for 30 years straight is not the same thing. 

There are people out there who are half your age, winning awards. Working their arses off to be something more than a social vagrant. Working their arses off to have their names whispered throughout a field.

There are people who work over ten hours a day, everyday, to make sure their family's have food to eat and the opportunity to do whatever they want in life, and you fucking sit there picking hula hoops out of your belly button, mouthing the words to an episode of Two and a-Half Men you've seen a thousand times, not even understanding what life is really about.

Fuck you. 

The X Factor

Literally cannot imagine anything worse than going to one of these "X Factor parties" people seems to be jizzing over now a days. 

"Hey Jord, wanna come over and watch the X Factor final with 12 other people you don't know? We'll get Doritos!"

"Hmmm.... Let me think about that Dave..... No. No I wouldn't like to come round to your house where 80% of the people have to sit on bean bags or the floor and get half drunk while watching a bunch of half wit pricks beg for a chance at being Simon Cowell's fuck buddy for 8 months. You need to get some friends, and a life if that's how you want to spend a Saturday night."

That's all they are, half witted pricks. 

Don't give us all this shit about wanting to be a "rockstar" or whatever. You just want to be famous. 90% of people that go on that show don't give a shit about making music, and that's why they release one début album and disappear off the face of the Earth. They want to be Kim Kardashian, not Freddie Mercury.

It's the same every year, with the same sob story excuses, and the same shitty songs, and the same shitty judges, and the same shitty costumes, and the same shitty shows blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhh...............

It's everything that's wrong with music. It's not an art any more, it's a business, and as soon as some conglomerate blowing, money raping, shameless dick head like Simon Cowell get's hold of something like this it's over. Music is dead, and Jimmy Hendrix is turning in his grave. 

The King is dead, long live the prick. 

Sit Coms

Now I love comedy. Situation comedys, if they are done properly, are fantastic, and it is a personal goal of mine to get into writing comedy at some point. 

But when half-arsed "comedians" put these jester like shows together it's an embarrassment to their careers, and our intelligence. 

Catherine Tate is a prime example. Most of her shit is just terrible catchphrases being shouted at high volume by hyperbolic characters, I don't think I have ever actually laughed at anything on The Catherine Tate Show. How can anyone find that funny?

"Ugh... am ah boverd?" No Catherine, I don't suppose you are bothered. Because we haven't been bothered ever since you showed your fucked up ugly mug on our TV screens. Little Britain was better, but still absolutely cringe worthy. How hard is it to get a fat guy in a dirty shirt to get out of a wheel chair and jump in a pool? About as hard as stamping on a kittens head, and just as funny. 

They don't want comedic respect, or to force people to understand the jokes. There's no work on the audiences part. Writers are expected to spoon feed audiences with these shows and it's fucking sickening. You might as well let kids watch it. It's the CBBC version of comedy, and they're happy with that. 

No shame, no shame in this lowest common denominator comedy. Just taking three days to write a shitty script and put on a shitty outfit just to make some Jeremy Kyle veteran, doll queue hero, 5 kid parenting 19 year old piss themselves for half an hour. Your parents must be so proud. 

Good comedy is full of intelligence, irony and forethought. Not sloppy observations and annoying characters screaming desperately at the camera gasping for any laugh they can get. 

And don't even get me started on Mrs. Browns Boys. 

Christmas

Shut the fuck up, it's my blog and I can dislike what I like. And I hate Christmas.

Like most things in this sycophantic factory of a world, the main thing that pisses me off about Christmas is how stupidly excited people get about it. You can see these types of people on the 20th of November skipping through shopping centres with tinsel around there necks humming "Mistletoe and Wine". Tell you what you can do, go suck off a middle aged, life scorned Santa Claus and hibernate until the 5th of January. You absolute dip shit.

What's worse, is that nobody can explain exactly why they are getting excited. It isn't "the presents", you buy things all year. It isn't "the snow", it snows any time between November and February now a days, (not that snow is anything to get excited about anyway. It's frozen water, shut the fuck up), it's not "seeing your family", you can do that any day. 

And it isn't the Christmas dinner. Think about it, Christmas owns the "massive Sunday dinner" now. If it wasn't for Christmas dinner, we'd have a massive Sunday dinner every week, but nooooooo. Christmas owns that now, we save all the proper food for a special occasion, you know, like an imaginary baby's birthday. How much more special can you get?

So we just resign ourselves to the fact that we have to eat super noodles all year round, in the desperate hope that finally, when December 25th comes around, that turkey will taste like heaven compared to all the processed shit we swear by 99% of the time. And if not, there's always next year. 

Idiots.   

Joey Essex

Mr and Mrs "Essex" would definitely be on my "kill list" if I ever invented a time machine and went back to the 1980s. Seriously dude, what fucked up, brain mangled, school dodging crack addicts would want to raise their kid to be like Joey Essex? If my kid couldn't tell me how many sides a square had by his mid 20s, I's hold myself personally responsible and get straight to re-enacting the BME Pain Olympics video pronto. 

Don't dare tell me he's adorable. He's not adorable, he's a joke to the human race. It's not OK for a guy like him to be so stupid and have as much money as him. There's no way he was the fastest sperm, all the other little swimmers must have been having a lie in when the call came in. 

They all piss me off I suppose, these reality TV pirates that thrive off advertises money and pointless TV time. With their fucking fake tan and their stupid 70 hair styling products. And that's just the guys.

But Joey is a special case, because he's thrust into out faces constantly.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY, HE'S AMAZING. HE'S "SO GOOD LOOKING" AND HE'S STUPID. SO THAT MEANS YOU 15 YEAR OLD FAN GIRLS WATCHING DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND CAN JUST DESPERATELY TRY TO GET ANY TV APPEARANCE FOR ANY MONEY AND LIVE OFF THAT. IT'S THE LIFE!"

Fuck you. 

Whoever made that douche bag, who thinks it's funny to be nigh on retarded, famous is as stupid as him. I just hope he gets eaten by an anaconda in the jungle. Come on God, I don't ask for much. Just let him fall off the string bridge. Please. 

And if you haven't seen the Pain Olympics, Google that video. Not for the faint hearted, enjoy. 

Superstition

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing in the world is when people are ridiculously superstitious and refuse to believe they are being superstitious. This generation needs to get this into their heads: some things are real, and some things aren't.  I don't know which crack pot, drugged up psychopath decided that breaking a mirror would give you 7 years "bad luck", but how anybody with a human brain can believe in these fucking ridiculously stupid, made up rules is beyond me. 

Can you imagine it being a question in an interview: "So, you're fantastically qualified in every field relating to this job. Almost over qualified it seems Mr.Jones. Just one last thing, just a formality don't worry, have you ever broken a mirror?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Broken a mirror man, have you ever broken a mirror, and if so, how long ago was it? COME ON MAN! I NEED NUMBERS! WHAT NEXT, YOU'RE GUNNA TELL ME YOU OWN A BLACK CAT OR REGULARLY WALK UNDER LADDERS. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WITCH!"

Fantastic. 

Simply, what it is, is that human beings have a tendency to make things up. When our minds can't explain something, we prefer to make things up and believe them in earnest as oppose to travelling blissfully through the unknown. Which is a backward way of doing things, but a necessary truth of human existence. I have literally explained there why people believe in ghosts. There is no proof of ghosts whatsoever, apart from crazy people preaching that they can "talk to the dead". 

Yeh, no you can't mate. I don't know what you're doing right now, but you ain't talking to the "spirits of the dead".

Human beings invent things, because it appears that reality is too much. Nobody wants to believe that they will in fact just die and no spirit or afterlife exists. But it is the truth, I am afraid. Stop believing in things just because other people tell you to. Ghosts and superstitions we're invented to support the works of religion and fiction. 

Little bit morbid, but I'm hungover.