The word "Genius"

The word "Genius".

Everyone is genius now a days. To the point where anyone who shows their face on TV is given the title. Literally, anyone. Pop singers, Big Brother contestants,  Strictly Come Dancing audience members. The list is never ending. "Genius" should the greatest compliment a person can get, and now all it means is they're quite good at playing the guitar. What happened? It's like we got into the 1970's all just decided: "Oh yeh, lets just stop using that word as the superlative of intelligence, and start using it to mean anyone who is alright at something."

Somebody comes up to me the other day and goes: "Oh wasn't John Lennon a genius?" 
And I went: "Not really, he was a great musician, but he was no Issac Newton was he." 
They went: "What? The guy with the apple?"

It was like talking to fucking Karl Pilkington. 
Yeh, that guy with the apple. That guy that single handed invented the laws of the universe. That guy. That guy that basically fathered the field of mechanics. Yeh, that guy. That guy with the apple. 

No musician is a a genius. No musician. By the same token that a bin man isn't a genius. Or that a barber isn't a genius. They do their job well. 

Leonardo Da Vicni would turn in his grave if he heard his name put in the same sentence as 2 pac's. No, not the turtle, the other one.

Rugby

Rugby

The creation of Rugby made easy. Somewhere off in a distant Welsh land:

James: “Alright lads, fancy a kick about?”

Gareth: “Yeh definitely, What about you dave?”

Dave: “Ummmm..... I’ve got a better idea.”

Gareth: “What? What can be better than football dave? It’s the best sport ever!”

Dave: “Well.... I thought instead of kicking the ball, we’ll just.... carry it and run.”

Gareth: “You have our attention dave, continue.”

Dave: “Well, we’ll try and run to the other end of the pitch?”

Gareth: “It’s sounding good dave, sounding good. How will we get the ball off of each other?”

Dave: “Umm.... just run into each other?”

Gareth: “That’s a plan.”

James: “Um... wont that hurt?”

Gareth: “Don’t be such a pussy James!”

Dave: “Right, let’s play!”

James: “Quick question, How will we know where the pitch ends?”

Dave: "Oh my god James, it’s one thing after another with you. We’ll put big fuck off forks at either end alright. That good enough your majesty?”

Gareth: “Getting real tired of your shit James.”

Might have got a few of the minor details wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s near enough right. All it is, is men trying to prove how hard they are. Big gorillas of men running at each other and just slamming shoulders together. That’s not a sport, that’s a fucking riot!

At least in American Football they have those pads and armour and shit, our guys just run round with a gum shield and kick the shit out of each other for a couple of hours. It’s mental.

And then you see these rugby players with the most beautiful women ever. How does that happen? They’ve always got cauliflower ears and half their teeth are missing. And they’re always 12x bigger than their misses. I feel like they’re gunna hug them and snap them in two.

“Oh drat I’ve killed another wife. Arthur, get me one of the Kardashian’s numbers would you. Such a waste.”

Solemnity

Solemnity

“Solemnity: The state or quality of being serious and dignified.”

So who decides what “dignified” is then? Is that saying that humorous people can never be dignified? The thing about solemnity is that it is so tightly associated with being serious that it is often used in the same way. When a writer is writing a script for a situation comedy that he wishes to propose to the BBC, is he being serious or not?

Obviously he is. Obviously Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant were serious when they were writing The Office. Obviously John Cleese and Connie Booth were serious when they wrote Fawlty Towers. Obviously Billy Connolly was serious when he wrote his stand up shows. Any genius is serious when he/she works.

           Solemnity has no place in this world. John Cleese said: “Solemnity feeds pomposity.” And he’s right. It’s just dick heads trying to act “proper”. It’s like when somebody tells a crude joke, and some Dickens reading, scarf wearing wanna-be Oxford student pipes up and goes: “Oh, I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate.”

          Oh shut the fuck up point Dexter. Nobody gives a shit what you think. Who fucking decides what’s “appropriate” and what isn’t? I handed in a university essay last year, and in it I had put a John Lennon line. Can’t remember which one, but it fit nicely with the decor of the points I was making. I thought at least it might make the marker laugh. I had an email 2 days later, from this tutor saying he didn’t think it was: “an appropriate line for an academic essay.”

          I emailed back saying: “Then mark me down for it. But honestly, if you that essay will be made better by deleting it, you must be the least creative person ever.” It’s the idea that you have to be pompous to be creative. Where was I when it was decided that everything academic must be taken seriously? Tell you what you high brow pieces of shit, you have your Universities. But your shit at writing. Lighten up. Twats.

Bad Horror Films

Bad Horror Films

By definition, a horror film has to be scary, or try to be scary. So, I’m not counting films that have given up on the whole “horror” aspect in this.

          Unfortunately, I have a friend who loves these types of movies so I end up watching a lot of them. I could go on forever about how bad Paranormal Activity is, or how Dark Skies makes no sense, but why stop there? No, I’m gunna moan about the pieces of shit films that are shown at half past 3 on a week day morning on zone horror. Now that’s where the real talent is.

          Zone Horror, is an unfortunate accident in the Sky Channel planner. I don’t know what channel it is, and I wouldn’t tell you if I did. No human being deserves that torture. They show the biggest piles of shit I have ever seen. From “The Forest of the Damned” to “Jack Frost 2”, it has no boundaries, (if you know any of those films you know exactly what I am talking about). It’s like they hate film. Like the entire culture of film has offended them in some way and they have dedicated their lives to destroying all that is beautiful in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE5dJDgZ644

          I mean what the fuck is that? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!@# WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SHIT? SERIOUSLY? What is wrong with these low life drop out mother fucking retard directors (if they can be given that title) that makes them think it’s a great idea to employ the worst actors in the history or the art, and the worst writers to ever disgrace the work of Shakespeare, and put and make a film. They aren’t directors. They must be bin men or something. Bin men that got up one day and thought: “Nothing can stop you Steve, go make a film!”

          Honestly, in the case of Jack Frost 2, it was like an hour and a half film, and half way through they abandoned any horror theme they may have once been clinging to, and just turned it into a comedy. And do you know what: it was actually quite funny.

          Despite that one minor victory, I am using this as a plea. Please, bad horror film directors, stop doing this to us. You’ve let us down, you’ve let your family down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down. Your children will laugh at you.

Come Dine With Me

Come Dine with Me

This is how Come Dine with Me should be:

“So our first contestant is Jordan, from Barnsley. Tell us what you’ll be cooking Jordan.”

“My guest with be eating a bruised banana for starters, my main is guuna be beans on toast, and for desert I’ve managed to get my hands on some treacle sponge.”

“That’s sounds great Jordan, but I think your guests might be expecting a more cultured menu.”

“Ahh, no worries, I’ve figured it out. Obviously I’m gunna put a cheese slice on the beans and there is some custard in the fridge for the desert.

Now that would be much more entertaining than some middle aged wierdos letting randomers look through their cupboards before serving food with names like spells in Harry Potter.

          There’s always a token gay guy, a gobby woman, an arsehole and somebody who thinks he’s Tom Cruise. The gay guy can never cook, Tom cruise thinks he can, all the arsehole wants to talk about is politics and the mouthy bitch always takes massive offence at some comment that means nothing. What is this shit? How did it ever get on TV?

          Another thing, the winner (if you can call a massive loser a winner) gets £1,000. That’s it. Not that I am saying they’ve earned more than that, but a grand? Really? I mean I wouldn’t turn my nose up at 4 free dinners and a thousand pounds, but it just seems like such a pointless show to enter. Why wouldn’t they enter deal or no deal or something?

          I’ll tell you why, because on deal or no deal they don’t get to show off. And that’s what they want, just to show off. Because for some reason they think that being able to cook a mediocre grilled sea bass makes them the Queen of England.

          And they’re all bull shitters. They could have the most amazing night ever and they will never give higher than an 8. They will only ever give a 6,7,8 or in exceptional circumstances a 9. I would love to see my mates on that show. All these twats expecting a mushroom ravioli and chocolate fondant and they’d just get them a McDonalds.

“You WILL eat your big mac, and you’ll enjoy it. Cost me £4.99 that. Cheeky shit.”

The Apprentice

The Apprentice

On level with Big Brother in the list of worst shows on TV. Substitute Davina McCall for Sir Alan Sugar and those crazy tasks for selling bits of shit and it is really the same thing. They are both just popularity contests, with either the public or the suit wearing Del Boy.

          That is reason enough to despise the thing. But there is more. The way that the contestants brown nose Sugar is just revolting. After he tells them why there were shite on this week’s task, there’s always one stupid little toss pot that pipes up and tries to explain why he’s better than everybody else. They’re always trying to set themselves apart but really they just look like massive sycophantic wanker.

          And seen as “Sir Alan” is always trying to make himself seem like a “down to earth person”, I don’t see why he doesn’t just tell them straight.

Business Twat: “I believe I am the next big thing, Lord Sir Alan Sugar Daddy, Mwah.”

Sugar: “OH shut it you plonker! Sling your hook you tart!

Tell me that doesn’t sound like the best boardroom meeting ever?

          That’s the other thing: why does Sugar feel the need to act like Barry Big Arms every time the camera is on him? Always shouting and using cockney rhyming slang, as if we’re meant to believe he actually acts like that in his every-day life. He’s just a cockney that found a suit and thought that made him a millionaire. He’s mentally unstable, rare form of schizophrenia where he thinks he’s living another laugh.

          I have a theory on the Apprentice. I think that when it gets to about week 5 or 6 and the viewers are getting bored, they just slip more people in and pretend they’ve been there since the beginning. I cannot be the only one that has no idea who half of them are by the middle of the series?

          That’s the point really, we don’t care who they are. They’re all the same, we are all just waiting for the point when Nick jumps on the table, strips off and wings his cock around in Lord Sugar’s face before running through the glass doors behind. Meanwhile, Sugar is telling the project manager why he’s being fired, and as he points his finger at him, he has a heart attack. Sugar dies, and London taxi drivers everywhere weep.

Pretentious People

Pretentious People

Oh I’m sorry my good sir, I didn’t realise that you’re better than me because you read Shakespeare in your spare time and have a fancy car. Or that you only wear shirts with some kind of animal on its left hand boob. How silly of me. Tell you what, how about you sit down there and drink some early grey while I shine your shoes and recite your favourite poems in a jaunty accent.

          Fuck you and your “aftershave”. Pretentious people are easily the worst kind of people, beating paedophiles and terrorists by a mile. Obviously. There’s a reason for this. It’s a simple choice. People choose to be pretentious. It’s their fault and their fault only. It’s so easy to just be normal, but yet we still see bastards walking round, swinging their arms, like they’re the “big I am”.

          Why do this? Why do some human beings automatically assume they are better than other human beings? Why is that your default stance? What has gone wrong in your head to make you think that you have the right to judge people at will? Because I’ll tell you something for nothing, you’re almost always no different from the people you’re judging.

          You’ve got your faults too dick head. Just because people don’t feel the need to constantly compare themselves to you doesn’t mean you’re invincible. And to be brutally honest, it’s most likely the fact that you’re pretentious that makes you a worse al round person than the average Brit. Whatever tastes you have adopted because of your “I am all-mighty” stance on life, I bet you don’t really care for at all. We all know you’re a normal kid really. You don’t have to try so hard to adopt a “style” or “look” or whatever it is you’re trying to do. We don’t all meet up in the pub later and go: “Jesus, did you hear that kid earlier talking about existentialism in Kierkegaard’s Paradox? He is a genius isn’t he” It doesn’t happen.

          We go: “How much can somebody try and show off in one lesson.” No fucking need kid. No fucking need. It drives us normal people up the bend.

          And a lot of the time, it’s harmless. There’s these flashy kids that want to show off and make themselves feel good by putting “ism” on the end of everything, and they are ignorable and it’s fine. But occasionally, just occasionally, there comes along a first class slice of wanker that brags about shit he probably hasn’t even done. And it’s the sanity stretching experience of one’s life. Put that in your fucking “pocket diaries”.