Christmas

Shut the fuck up, it's my blog and I can dislike what I like. And I hate Christmas.

Like most things in this sycophantic factory of a world, the main thing that pisses me off about Christmas is how stupidly excited people get about it. You can see these types of people on the 20th of November skipping through shopping centres with tinsel around there necks humming "Mistletoe and Wine". Tell you what you can do, go suck off a middle aged, life scorned Santa Claus and hibernate until the 5th of January. You absolute dip shit.

What's worse, is that nobody can explain exactly why they are getting excited. It isn't "the presents", you buy things all year. It isn't "the snow", it snows any time between November and February now a days, (not that snow is anything to get excited about anyway. It's frozen water, shut the fuck up), it's not "seeing your family", you can do that any day. 

And it isn't the Christmas dinner. Think about it, Christmas owns the "massive Sunday dinner" now. If it wasn't for Christmas dinner, we'd have a massive Sunday dinner every week, but nooooooo. Christmas owns that now, we save all the proper food for a special occasion, you know, like an imaginary baby's birthday. How much more special can you get?

So we just resign ourselves to the fact that we have to eat super noodles all year round, in the desperate hope that finally, when December 25th comes around, that turkey will taste like heaven compared to all the processed shit we swear by 99% of the time. And if not, there's always next year. 

Idiots.   

Joey Essex

Mr and Mrs "Essex" would definitely be on my "kill list" if I ever invented a time machine and went back to the 1980s. Seriously dude, what fucked up, brain mangled, school dodging crack addicts would want to raise their kid to be like Joey Essex? If my kid couldn't tell me how many sides a square had by his mid 20s, I's hold myself personally responsible and get straight to re-enacting the BME Pain Olympics video pronto. 

Don't dare tell me he's adorable. He's not adorable, he's a joke to the human race. It's not OK for a guy like him to be so stupid and have as much money as him. There's no way he was the fastest sperm, all the other little swimmers must have been having a lie in when the call came in. 

They all piss me off I suppose, these reality TV pirates that thrive off advertises money and pointless TV time. With their fucking fake tan and their stupid 70 hair styling products. And that's just the guys.

But Joey is a special case, because he's thrust into out faces constantly.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY, HE'S AMAZING. HE'S "SO GOOD LOOKING" AND HE'S STUPID. SO THAT MEANS YOU 15 YEAR OLD FAN GIRLS WATCHING DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND CAN JUST DESPERATELY TRY TO GET ANY TV APPEARANCE FOR ANY MONEY AND LIVE OFF THAT. IT'S THE LIFE!"

Fuck you. 

Whoever made that douche bag, who thinks it's funny to be nigh on retarded, famous is as stupid as him. I just hope he gets eaten by an anaconda in the jungle. Come on God, I don't ask for much. Just let him fall off the string bridge. Please. 

And if you haven't seen the Pain Olympics, Google that video. Not for the faint hearted, enjoy. 

Superstition

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing in the world is when people are ridiculously superstitious and refuse to believe they are being superstitious. This generation needs to get this into their heads: some things are real, and some things aren't.  I don't know which crack pot, drugged up psychopath decided that breaking a mirror would give you 7 years "bad luck", but how anybody with a human brain can believe in these fucking ridiculously stupid, made up rules is beyond me. 

Can you imagine it being a question in an interview: "So, you're fantastically qualified in every field relating to this job. Almost over qualified it seems Mr.Jones. Just one last thing, just a formality don't worry, have you ever broken a mirror?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Broken a mirror man, have you ever broken a mirror, and if so, how long ago was it? COME ON MAN! I NEED NUMBERS! WHAT NEXT, YOU'RE GUNNA TELL ME YOU OWN A BLACK CAT OR REGULARLY WALK UNDER LADDERS. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WITCH!"

Fantastic. 

Simply, what it is, is that human beings have a tendency to make things up. When our minds can't explain something, we prefer to make things up and believe them in earnest as oppose to travelling blissfully through the unknown. Which is a backward way of doing things, but a necessary truth of human existence. I have literally explained there why people believe in ghosts. There is no proof of ghosts whatsoever, apart from crazy people preaching that they can "talk to the dead". 

Yeh, no you can't mate. I don't know what you're doing right now, but you ain't talking to the "spirits of the dead".

Human beings invent things, because it appears that reality is too much. Nobody wants to believe that they will in fact just die and no spirit or afterlife exists. But it is the truth, I am afraid. Stop believing in things just because other people tell you to. Ghosts and superstitions we're invented to support the works of religion and fiction. 

Little bit morbid, but I'm hungover. 

The British Government

As if we Brits didn't already have cause to hate the Government already, now they've started slipping below, even their own standards of lackluster stupidity. 

So we all hate the BNP, yeh? They're stupid, narrow minded, fat old losers that definitely were picked on at school and now mask racism as "change". There's no argument there, if you're at all educated you know you hate the BNP. I mean for fuck sake Nick Griffon, maybe if you had spent the majority of your childhood playing football or climbing trees, or doing anything in fact, anything that wasn't sitting inside nursing this burning resentment for the world's inhabitants, you would done something with your life that would have actually made your mummy and daddy proud, therefore voiding the need for this crazy crusade you are on to rid "Britain" of all the "Pakis". Nick Griffon wasn't hugged as a child. 

But at least he's honest. At least he flat out says: "Yep, I hate black people." *winks at the camera with his thumbs up*. Then we can all just: "Oh look at that Sarah, it's a stupid fat bloke on the telly being a racist. Well I wont be listening to anything he has to say, but he'll be a great point of ridicule." 

Job's a good one.

At least he isn't a sly little worm, like the Home Office have been this week. What our beloved all mighty Home Office has done, and correct me if I'm wrong, is text 40,000 residents of the UK, telling them that they are illegal immigrants. Which is both astounding and hilarious on so many levels. So what, what David Cameron's plan is, is to text all these "illegal immigrants" that are "tearing this country apart" and ask them to leave? To be honest Dave, I think these "illegal immigrants" already have a complete disregard for the law. Therefore, you texting them: "R U an immigrant LOL. Like, go home init xoxox" won't do an awful lot, I am guessing. 

Not only is it that it's a ridiculous plan, that by the way has been deemed as "proactive steps...". Yeh, proper pro active that Dave and the gang. But they fucked it up anyway. A fair few of these texts went to people who had every right to be living in the UK. *slow sarcastic clap*. Nice to know tax payer's money is going to a good cause, ey lads?

"But what about those maverick immigrants that don't have a phone? What you gunna do there Dave?"

"Yeh, not sure a letter on horseback is the best way to go."

"No no, you're the prime minister. I'll saddle up Bullseye now."

Stupid pen pushing fat cats.

The England Football Team

Now I am a big football fan. I am a proud supporter of Liverpool Football club, and have been for many years. See I've timed this really well, because there will be no ridicule over my choice of team as, as it happens, they are on the best run of form I've seen for 3 years. Who the fuck are Man United? #YNWA.

But I'm not complaining about the bias towards Man U in the Barclays Premier League. Although it definitely does exist, and I find it hilarious that this year it isn't paying of for the scum bag, sub par, joke of a club. I'm complaining about another inexplicable hilarity in modern day professional football: The England National Team.  

The fact that England is home to the greatest and biggest league on the planet, and boasts the most formidable talent pool to date, but yet still doesn't manage to have any kind of significant in international competitions is something that I think baffles most football fans. There is nothing wrong with the team (Minus the obvious fact that they are 11 overpaid, animalistic, spoiled little brats wearing boots that are worth more than most of our televisions). They're good footballers, individually. But it seems as soon as they put on the Three Lions shirt, they might as well have fielded 11 blind dwarfs. 

I've already had a go at Rugby. I don't get it. But at least the rugby players are really giving it all on that pitch. They're literally fighting to win the game, where as most footballers are just dancing around hoping the ball goes in the net. And in the case of our dear national team, standing still and hoping all the media hype somehow gives them special powers of telekinesis so then they can score goals with their minds. 

Actually, no. I don't think most of them even give a shit. I don't think they care if they win or lose. Or at least, that's how it looks when I watch them. There's no desperate diving headers. There's no last ditch tackles. There's no emotional overflow and fighting. There's nothing. Conveniently, they';re playing tonight. In a massive game against Montenegro. I think we're predicting a win. The day England are literally shitting themselves about playing Montenegro is the day we might as well change their nicknames from the Three Lions to the Three Wimpy Sheep. But don't have high hopes. England have a certain talent for pushing the boundaries of letting their country down. 

Cats

Cats

Cats are just wimpy dogs. Say what you want about the perfected animal species over millions and millions of years of evolution, but somewhere the cat has definitely fucked up. Domesticated animals are there for one reason: to provide something to the human owner. Birds are cool, people look after birds and that gives them some kind of pleasure. A feeling of accomplishment at feeding and caring for a living thing. Fine.

Dogs are brilliant. Dogs are loyal friends. Dogs think you’re brilliant. You can be sat there, masturbating over a picture of a dead Nazi with custard as lube, and your dog will still sit there staring at you like you’re amazing. To a dog, you are God. You feed a dog, you provide a home for a dog, you clean up after a dog. And it knows it. Dogs will get scared if you shout at them, they learn the rules of the house, the understand the concept of rewards. Spot does something good, her gets a biscuit. Brilliant.

If you try telling a cat to “roll over”, it’ll look at you like you’re the sum of the earth. In fact, you can do anything and cats will look at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Cats are the upper class of the pet world. They just sit there in the snobby demeanour like they own the fucking house.

If you stub your toe and start screaming, a dog will run over. “Oh what’s up mate? What’s happened? Was it those kids in the hoodies again. Where are they, where did they go? I’m gunna rip them to shreds. I got yo back son.”

A cat just sits there, and dies its same disapproving look. “What did you do that for. You knew the door was there. In fact, you put the door there. And you still went and kicked it, didn’t you. You are a stupid cunt.”

Fuck you cats, fuck you. I hope Snowball gets the shit beaten out of him, I hope Puss in Boots drowns, and if I ever get my hands on any of the Aristocats I’m gunna burn them at the stake. 

Miley Fucking Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

What happened to Hannah Montana? One day I’m watching the Disney channel, thinking: “Hey, Hannah Montana is looking fit.” And the next I’m watching the same girl grind up against a pole at the some awards do. What the hell? What’s next, Zack and Cody snorting cocaine at the FA Cup final? TJ from Recess pulling a prostitute out of the back of his car on You’ve Been Framed? Bart Simpson curb stomping Sabrina the teenage witch because she didn’t get the golden monkey on Jungle Run?

What the hell is Cyrus’ problem? What is she trying to prove? That she is capable of fucking everything on the planet? Including women, judging by her haircut. She’s been elevated to this ridiculous level of fame lately, and I don’t even know why. The only thing I know that she has done is a bad kids TV show. And she did some singing, apparently.     

It annoys me that she gets away with acting like a complete slapper in the name of “creating an image” or “styling her character”. Fuck you Miley Cirus, and fuck everyone involved in your dirty psycho career. I got lucky, by the time she started acting like Mary Magdalene I was old enough to understand that she was a fuck up.

But imagine kids trying to copy that. Billions of girls walking round with a Mohawk trying to write third rate tunes and get their faces on every newspaper possible. Imagine that world.